I long to fall in love with my life

I yearn to live beautifully,

Crave to paint my life with metaphor

And plant seeds of meaning and significance

In everything I do.

I dip my brush in a pool of bue

And paint my life with music

Experiment with different shades

And wash some away

And find myself

Covering that canvas with certain hues

That make my heart sing out

The tones and melodies

Transport me to lovely places

And take my breath away.

I dip my brush in yellow

And paint my life with the joy of language

All the words that multiply those endorphins

Or at least that's what I'm told

What happens inside of my mind

I paint over each dark memory

Covering them with white

Hoping the brightness will make them disappear,

But their faint sillhouettes never go away.

At times

I walk around in a dream,

And wonder how to find myself.

I adorn my windows and walls

With strings of beads

Green, blue, and glass,

A continuous sequence

Of spheres, cubes, and oblong shapes

Joined together on a clear, elastic cord

Each one unique from the others beside it.

Chinese lanterns dangling

From a paper clip wrapped around

The twinkling Christmas lights

That are out all year round

Each fluorescent bulb

Shining bright

To remind me of happier times.

Paper sculptures

Sit peacefully on the shelves

Messy folds and creases

Make up unrecognizable forms

Pictures and quotes hang on the walls

ANd on the mobile hung from the ceiling.

In the midst of these strange creations and comforts

I stare at the ceiling and the mobile turning

And tell myself I have a purpose

I have the right to be here

But while along at night

I'm more distant

I feel so small

So insignificant

On this big planet

Even with my quotes, art, and pictures

That are supposed to remind me

Who I am

Fail me

I long to be the person who

Plants annuals in the flower boxes every year

Just to make the world a little more beautiful

Or

Maybe because I desire to find a way to distinguish myself

From the other solemn faces that surround me

To escape from the dull conformity I succumb to

Or 

So I can feel like I lived

I keep telling myself, someday

Somday I will become 

Who I dream to be

But with each passing hour

Each ending season

Every New Year's kiss

I am reminded of time

And how that's all we really have

Until there isn't any left

I want to leave my canvas

Filled with every color

Every experience and passion

I've had during my life on Earth

As well as the greys and blacks

My regrets and repentance

Integrated on a great, flat surface

Each color unique from the one beside it

But I just hope

The most prominent colors

Will represent time well spent

Colors that gave meaning to my life