The Equation of a Loss

Location

When I was in school I was taught

About STD's and contraception.

I was taught about free clinics 

And birth control that won't make you fat

Or will make you fat.

I learned that a woman can get pregnant from

ANY contact with the secretions of a man.

But where were the textbook pages and lectures

On how to cope with the loss of a pregnancy?

Why wasn't I taught that ONE out of FOUR women miscarry.

That pregnancy is a gift and NOT a burden.

Where were the notes and statistics on the actual

Success rate of pregnancies?

Is it any wonder that my heart has been torn from my chest

When I have been betrayed by my own womb?

The classroom doesn't prepare you for the

Chasm that opens inside your soul

When you should be glowing with happiness

And have been left empty and wanting.

I had prevention drilled into me

Over and over and over and over and over.

 

When you love your spouse with all of your heart

And the two of you decide to do as nature intended and

Create life...

The teachers don't tell you how beautiful it is.

Our love is earth shattering 

And our love making was epic.

So vigorous in our delight at trying to make

A manifestation of our love,

An aura of golden light shone around us

And tears of joy streaked down our cheeks 

When we saw those two pink lines.

Where were the lesson plans when we were

Telling our family and friends about the love-life

Growing inside of me.

For months, I had been dreaming about the 

Swell of my belly and a baby at my breast.

Fantasizing about little pink feet and 

Tiny wrinkled hands.

 

I've never seen a brighter shade of crimson.

I've never felt a loss so sudden and so deep that

The universe could drown in my sorrow

My voice a haunting cry saying

No no no no no no no no no!

Where was the education?

That the look of terror on your husband's face

When he saw the remnants of your combined love

Running down your leg

Would stay with you forever?

Why wasn't I taught that I would never

Wipe myself again without thinking about

The days spent over a toilet,

Looking at the masses of tissue wondering

Was THAT it?

 

Why didn't they teach me that this

Hollow pain would make me feel

Isolated and angry?

That it would take every piece in the 

Room of my soul and toss it and shake it 

Until I could find the strength to put back the pieces

One by one by one by one by one.

I was never taught that well-intended advice

Would make me want to scream.

That my trauma would be diminished by others because

It wasn't a living, breathing "person"

A loss is a loss and Dr. Seuss taught us that,

"A person's a person, no matter how small."

So WHY do I have to justify my grief?

Why do I have to hide my tears in shame

For a beautiful dream that

Died inside of me?

I had a glimpse of a happiness that was sublime

But nobody taught me that

In the midst of devastation

the masses of people telling me, 

"Oh, you can try again"

Would insult me beyond reason.

The teachers don't tell you that

Miscarriage is a taboo subject.

It is NOT to be given a voice.

I am not depressed but going 

Through the stages of grieving

And searching for hope in the darkness.

All of the equations and theorums over my 

Many years of learning

NEVER taught me that

Sometimes one plus one

Equals none.

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741