When I was in school I was taught
About STD's and contraception.
I was taught about free clinics
And birth control that won't make you fat
Or will make you fat.
I learned that a woman can get pregnant from
ANY contact with the secretions of a man.
But where were the textbook pages and lectures
On how to cope with the loss of a pregnancy?
Why wasn't I taught that ONE out of FOUR women miscarry.
That pregnancy is a gift and NOT a burden.
Where were the notes and statistics on the actual
Success rate of pregnancies?
Is it any wonder that my heart has been torn from my chest
When I have been betrayed by my own womb?
The classroom doesn't prepare you for the
Chasm that opens inside your soul
When you should be glowing with happiness
And have been left empty and wanting.
I had prevention drilled into me
Over and over and over and over and over.
When you love your spouse with all of your heart
And the two of you decide to do as nature intended and
The teachers don't tell you how beautiful it is.
Our love is earth shattering
And our love making was epic.
So vigorous in our delight at trying to make
A manifestation of our love,
An aura of golden light shone around us
And tears of joy streaked down our cheeks
When we saw those two pink lines.
Where were the lesson plans when we were
Telling our family and friends about the love-life
Growing inside of me.
For months, I had been dreaming about the
Swell of my belly and a baby at my breast.
Fantasizing about little pink feet and
Tiny wrinkled hands.
I've never seen a brighter shade of crimson.
I've never felt a loss so sudden and so deep that
The universe could drown in my sorrow
My voice a haunting cry saying
No no no no no no no no no!
Where was the education?
That the look of terror on your husband's face
When he saw the remnants of your combined love
Running down your leg
Would stay with you forever?
Why wasn't I taught that I would never
Wipe myself again without thinking about
The days spent over a toilet,
Looking at the masses of tissue wondering
Was THAT it?
Why didn't they teach me that this
Hollow pain would make me feel
Isolated and angry?
That it would take every piece in the
Room of my soul and toss it and shake it
Until I could find the strength to put back the pieces
One by one by one by one by one.
I was never taught that well-intended advice
Would make me want to scream.
That my trauma would be diminished by others because
It wasn't a living, breathing "person"
A loss is a loss and Dr. Seuss taught us that,
"A person's a person, no matter how small."
So WHY do I have to justify my grief?
Why do I have to hide my tears in shame
For a beautiful dream that
Died inside of me?
I had a glimpse of a happiness that was sublime
But nobody taught me that
In the midst of devastation
the masses of people telling me,
"Oh, you can try again"
Would insult me beyond reason.
The teachers don't tell you that
Miscarriage is a taboo subject.
It is NOT to be given a voice.
I am not depressed but going
Through the stages of grieving
And searching for hope in the darkness.
All of the equations and theorums over my
Many years of learning
NEVER taught me that
Sometimes one plus one