I need someone to carry me through the storm, through the pain and into the light; into a place where I can breathe and see without the everlasting shadow and haze of my mistakes...
I need someone's guidance to resurrect me and make me breathe again...
For I am not yet ready to use my wings nor to stand on both of my feet.......
I've been searching for this person...
I don't even know if they are alive....
I feel the walls of depression and anxiety enclosing my last glimmers of hope and peace........
I want to live in the sun and breathe in the flowers and feel the fresh dew of the morning on my cheeks as I run through a meadow in a far off dream of my desires........
I don't want to wallow in anguish and live in the bottom of the lurky black sea with no hope of resurfacing....
This mirage of happiness and serenity is just a thin mask I wear to calm others and to seem "normal"......
I fear people will soon see the dark depths and betray me in fear of seeing frightening shadows in this darkness....
But I feel pain as I write these things...
I don't want to accept depression because I believe that I still have light and goodness and love and compassion in my heart.....
I know the love is there it just needs to show itself and shine through the black tar of my fears that encase my perfectly good heart....
My heart aches.
There are beings out there who have stared death in the face, watched the world pass them by as they are too afraid to move on, who handle abuse and anguish daily...
But yet, these people still wear a genuine smile...
Their hope and kind-hearts give me no excuse to feel so terrible....
I have no excuse for my actions...
I have no reason to voluntarily cause pain to myself and feel I deserve it....
I let the other dark emotions take over and try to paint over the bright golds and silvers and violets in black paint....
I feel so much love towards those who I value and who make the days easier....
I am confused as to why I write these things in such a public place when I have so much fear of it being discovered.....
The heartless stereotypes from the demons who plauge me with their perfect images and empty smiles taunt me and cause me to relapse more and more into my small world of self-worthlessness and desertion.....
For those few who are reading this I want you to know that I am only writing these things as a way to vent these deep emotions- to shovel out the hovering pit of black tar and sadness into this blog and to be able to leave it here and let the light fill my body- It's already there- it just needs to be unsurfaced....

Perhaps.....
Perhaps....
Am I Doomed in this state forever?
Or will I someday muster the strengh to overcome these demons and move foward to "happiness" and self-worth and to feel calm and be myself?
Perhaps...
Maybe when I meet my husband he will be able to pull me from the ashes...dust me off and tell me it's over....
Maybe I can do the same for him...
Maybe....

Maybe I will do it myself.....
I will lift myself from these burdens and move on and never look back...
Maybe All I Need Is Me....
That's probably how it should be....
It seems so simple doesn't it?
Then why o why is it so hard?
I'm young and naive, maybe it will make sense someday...