Have you ever wondered what it would be like to say whatever you want without ridicule?
Or maybe you want to do physical things like grabbing a can without issue.
Well, I do. All my life there was never a place I could just feel.
Certain times of certain days, sure.
But not in a constant stream of time.
Never in a constant stream of time.
While other people have good relationships with their parents and peers, I have trust issues.
Who's really there? Who doesn't have an ulterior motive?
My parent doesn't have an ulterior motive, except this parent doesn't like who I am exactly.
Forever trying to change someone into another version of them.
Infuriating isn't it?
I have peers that I'm close to, but I don't tell them everything because then, they will have the power to hurt Me. Maybe even control me, if they ever got the chance or idea.
I empathize with people. I see their sides of every battle, but for what?
I get why they did it, but they don't get me.
I can't stop feeling. I can't not be me.
But I can push the pain aside.
Just. For. Now
Whatever it is other people want, I do it-within reason.
I tell them what they want to hear unless it's really endangering.
I get mixtures of emotions from other people, telling me I'm wise, mature,
responsible with small minor mistakes cause I'm only human, and
immature, irresponsible, not fit to have another little human.
Good thing I knew how to set the pain aside for another day to deal with it.
I almost had a mental breakdown before. I don't want to have a complete one.
No-one can really know because they won't get it.
They'll either sympathize with me because it sounds oh-so-tragic. Or will belittle me.
Or simply think I'm wrong to feel this way.
Is it wrong to put up a facade?
Is it wrong to want to make people happy and feel bad or messed up when others don't feel the same for me?
No... It's not.
I don't like hurting people. I'd never purposely make them unhappy.
However, since I have to look out for myself on certain things, I do. I want them happy.
Even if it's not with me. Hopefully they will get that and be happy. I pray it so.
Eventually there will be other people who care.
One or two people are already showing promise in that.
The people who don't care, eventually won't be in my life.
I can feel and do as much as I want-within reason.
Soon, I'll be free. No more “yes-mam” No consideration unless deserving of it.
Happiness. Complete utter happiness.
I'm almost there.
Just. You. Wait.