I prowl the internet late at night and

everyone tells me it’s terrible for sleep

but I do it anyway.

I learn a lot from the late-night internet and

lately I’ve heard a lot

about the emotional burden of         being a woman.

I’m a feminist and

still I admit the first thing I thought was

“Yeah, no.”

I tried to understand.

 

My brain flitted back to the day my family fell apart for awhile.

 

I remember the pure joy I felt skipping off to school

and getting out of the carpool      to run to the front door

thrilled because my grandparents were at our house

that’s a surprise

and ready to know if that baby I already loved

like it was my sun     and my moon and the stars in the sky

was a boy or girl

 

My daddy never cried but

Dad greeted us at the front door with tears streaming

down

his

face

We walked  s l o w l y  up the stairs   to my mother,

motionless in bed

Our baby brother was dead

 

And only now do I realize the horror   my mom

getting induced

going through labor

having to deliver a baby

dead

 

and my dad holding his dead son

naming him after his dead brother

staring at his tiny, lifeless body and

seeing how it was just like his but

fit in his hand and was already blue

 

Both getting to hold him just once

before a stranger took Josiah David and they never saw him again

 

But back then I was young and innocent and I didn’t understand

 

I just saw the neighbors bringing meal after meal

and grandparents, friends, church family watching us kids

sweet ladies cleaning our house with selfless smiles

and my parents crying and

sobbing and

holding each other and us like there’s no tomorrow

 

I now I know the horrors they went through

and now I know those people marching in were coming to help us and

now I can see that they were lifting our burdens and spirits as best they knew how and

now I know everything they did,

my mother did first.

 

My mother did these every single day for our family

cooking

cleaning

dealing with our messy little lives

and her own

 

Because she in her own right is selfless

giving her body to grow seven babies and

deliver five babies and

raise four babies

over the course of many long years   and

My mom never looks back darling it distracts from the now    but

 

I realized the burden she bears like so many before her because she is

a woman