Doors
Freshman year.
Band camp.
Walk in the front door.
See the instrument room.
Two doors.
See the signs.
“In.”
“Out.”
Never
Use the wrong door
Never
Walk in
The “out” door
Walk out
The “in” door
No questions asked
Rule follower, I
Follow rules
To the letter
Always walk in
The in door
Always walk out
The out door
Proper
Prim
Attempting at
Perfection
Satisfied
With my accomplishments
Make a lot of friends
Find someone
Learn about
What I thought
Was love
Have my heart broken
But
At least
I followed the rules.
Sophomore year
Teaching freshmen
Which door to use
Surprised
When they
Refuse to listen
But
Eventually they all learn
Follow
The band rules
The
Time honored tradition
The
Passage into our
Elite group
Welcomed in
With open arms
I
Accept them into
The family
MY family
I’m at home.
Junior year
New freshmen
Once again
I teach them
The proper
Doors to use
I begin
To teach more as well
Finding spots
Marching techniques
Helping
Aimless freshmen
Finally being part
Of the higher level
Moving
Up
In my family
But
In my
Personal life
I’m not so
Secure
I’m not so
Safe
I’m not so
Wise
I
Fall prey
To darkness
That
I thought
Was light
I learn how
To change my
Own future
I learn how
To tell
When something
Isn’t right for me
I learn how
To say goodbye
To create my own future
I learn how
To transfer
My maturity
My newfound understanding
My belief in myself
My slight command
From the field
To my own life
I fix my own life
I’m in control.
Months pass
I find
What love truly is
A sweetness
I never
Really expected to find
A kindness
That I never expected
To find directed
Towards me
Feelings
So deep
So amazing
That I drown in them
Gasping in surprise
Smiling at
The sunlight
Bouncing off his hair
The dusky rays
Igniting shades
Of lovely brown
Into even
More marvelous
Glittering strands
I find
The part to myself
That I had been missing;
I find my love.
Senior year
Our band director
Gone
A new one
Takes his place
No more
“in” door
no more
“out” door
Nobody
Cares
Freshmen step through
Whichever door
They so choose
I stay true
To myself
And continue
To use
The proper doors
A time honored tradition
I feel
Proud
To keep up
At least part
Of our fabled legacy
An
Archaic
Out of date
List of philosophies
Nobody cares
But
I know in my heart
That it still matters.
I still
Have my love
His smiling face
Beaming in my own
Bringing me joy
I never
Before thought I’d deserve
Or receive.
I guide freshmen
Finally feeling
Proud
Of my position
I finally feel
Needed
I stand tall
Proud of
The ease of playing
Proud of
The help
I can provide
I step off the field
After practice
Tired
Hot
Sweaty
Proud
Stumbling with
Aching feet
Down the path
To go home
School starts
Practice days
I perfect my skills
Help
When I can
Work on my own
When I need to
But
On regular days
When we
Let out with
The rest of the school
My aching, weary feet
Find newfound strength
And propel
Me down the hill
Into the arms
Of my love
He receives me
Cheerfully
Even though
I suppose I was
Quite a mess (ha ha)
To do the same
Thing
The next day
Repeat
Repeat
Repetition
Fills my mind
And we
Slowly get better
I
Slowly become
Even more in love
The show develops
My love develops
I play the ballad
With passion
Season ends
I shiver,
Depressed that
I cannot truly
Appreciate the moment
Want to cry
But too full of pride
At my last performance
To be truly sad
And full of
Denial
That this is truly the end
I finally did it.
My
Whole life
I was told to
“leave my heart out
on the field”
I had tried
I had felt that
I did so
But
Like I felt I had been
In love before
And had been wrong
I had felt I had
Left my heart on the field before
And had been wrong
But this time
I did.
Just like this time
I think
I might actually
Be in love.
A few weeks ago
I found a part to myself
One that
Until then
Had never existed
One that
Confused
Worried
Somewhat enlightened me
Strange feelings
Stranger thoughts
And even stranger wonderings
I was
Worried
That I might be
Broken
Because I was
Finally
Becoming more like
Everybody else
But I was
Supposed to be
Different
Supposed to
Use the right door
Supposed to
Think the right way
I wasn’t supposed
To feel this way
Feel these urges
Feel this
Kind of passion
Because it wasn’t me
It wasn’t right.
Today
January
Marching season far over
Last day of first semester
Marching band
Gone
I will
Never
Be part of this band again
I will
Never
Have that feeling again
Be with my
Band family again
I will
Never
Sit in those cold bleachers again
I will
Never
Wait with bated breath
For awards
And
I’m sad
But I also know
That with
Every chapters’ end
Is a new beginning
Today
I felt I was finally ready
Today
I walked through the wrong door.
Today
I found something interesting.
Nothing happened.
Nothing external.
I didn’t die.
Just something finally clicked.
It’s over.
It doesn’t matter, because it’s over.
And it’s time
To come to terms with that.
It’s also time
To realize that
It’s okay.
Because even though
One chapter has closed its page
Another one has opened.
And it wasn’t even necessarily
The “wrong” door
It was just a “different” door
Just like my different feelings
That confused me.
Things that can be
Accepted
As long as I learn
To accept myself
For all that I am.