Doors

Text Box: DoorsFreshman year.

Band camp.

Walk in the front door.

See the instrument room.

Two doors.

See the signs.

“In.”

“Out.”

Never

Use the wrong door

Never

Walk in

The “out” door

Walk out

The “in” door

No questions asked

Rule follower, I

Follow rules

To the letter

Always walk in

The in door

Always walk out

The out door

Proper

Prim

Attempting at

Perfection

Satisfied

With my accomplishments

Make a lot of friends

Find someone

Learn about

What I thought

Was love

Have my heart broken

But

At least

I followed the rules.

 

Sophomore year

Teaching freshmen

Which door to use

Surprised

When they

Refuse to listen

But

Eventually they all learn

Follow

The band rules

The

Time honored tradition

The

Passage into our

Elite group

Welcomed in

With open arms

I

Accept them into

The family

MY family

I’m at home.

 

Junior year

New freshmen

Once again

I teach them

The proper

Doors to use

I begin

To teach more as well

Finding spots

Marching techniques

Helping

Aimless freshmen

Finally being part

Of the higher level

Moving

Up

In my family

But

In my

Personal life

I’m not so

Secure

I’m not so

Safe

I’m not so

Wise

I

Fall prey

To darkness

That

I thought

Was light

I learn how

To change my

Own future

I learn how

To tell

When something

Isn’t right for me

I learn how

To say goodbye

To create my own future

I learn how

To transfer

My maturity

My newfound understanding

My belief in myself

My slight command

From the field

To my own life

I fix my own life

I’m in control.

Months pass

I find

What love truly is

A sweetness

I never

Really expected to find

A kindness

That I never expected

To find directed

Towards me

Feelings

So deep

So amazing

That I drown in them

Gasping in surprise

Smiling at

The sunlight

Bouncing off his hair

The dusky rays

Igniting shades

Of lovely brown

Into even

More marvelous

Glittering strands

I find

The part to myself

That I had been missing;

I find my love.  

 

Senior year

Our band director

Gone

A new one

Takes his place

No more

“in” door

no more

“out” door

Nobody

Cares

Freshmen step through

Whichever door

They so choose

I stay true

To myself

And continue

To use

The proper doors

A time honored tradition

I feel

Proud

To keep up

At least part

Of our fabled legacy

An

Archaic

Out of date

List of philosophies

Nobody cares

But

I know in my heart

That it still matters.

I still

Have my love

His smiling face

Beaming in my own

Bringing me joy

I never

Before thought I’d deserve

Or receive.

I guide freshmen

Finally feeling

Proud

Of my position

I finally feel

Needed

I stand tall

Proud of

The ease of playing

Proud of

The help

I can provide

I step off the field

After practice

Tired

Hot

Sweaty

Proud

Stumbling with

Aching feet

Down the path

To go home

School starts

Practice days

I perfect my skills

Help 

When I can

Work on my own

When I need to

But

On regular days

When we

Let out with

The rest of the school

My aching, weary feet

Find newfound strength

And propel

Me down the hill

Into the arms

Of my love

He receives me

Cheerfully

Even though

I suppose I was

Quite a mess (ha ha)

To do the same

Thing

The next day

Repeat

Repeat

Repetition

Fills my mind

And we

Slowly get better

I

Slowly become

Even more in love

The show develops

My love develops

I play the ballad

With passion

Season ends

I shiver,

Depressed that

I cannot truly

Appreciate the moment

Want to cry

But too full of pride

At my last performance

To be truly sad

And full of

Denial

That this is truly the end

I finally did it.

My

Whole life

I was told to

“leave my heart out

on the field”

I had tried

I had felt that

I did so

But

Like I felt I had been

In love before

And had been wrong

I had felt I had

Left my heart on the field before

And had been wrong

But this time

I did.

Just like this time

I think

I might actually

Be in love.

 

A few weeks ago

I found a part to myself

One that

Until then

Had never existed

One that

Confused

Worried

Somewhat enlightened me

Strange feelings

Stranger thoughts

And even stranger wonderings

I was

Worried

That I might be

Broken

Because I was

Finally

Becoming more like

Everybody else

But I was

Supposed to be

Different

Supposed to

Use the right door

Supposed to

Think the right way

I wasn’t supposed

To feel this way

Feel these urges

Feel this

Kind of passion

Because it wasn’t me

It wasn’t right.

 

Today

January

Marching season far over

Last day of first semester

Marching band

Gone

I will

Never

Be part of this band again

I will

Never

Have that feeling again

Be with my

Band family again

I will

Never

Sit in those cold bleachers again

I will

Never

Wait with bated breath

For awards

And

I’m sad

But I also know

That with

Every chapters’ end

Is a new beginning

Today

I felt I was finally ready

Today

I walked through the wrong door.

Today

I found something interesting.

Nothing happened.

Nothing external.

I didn’t die.

Just something finally clicked.

It’s over.

It doesn’t matter, because it’s over.

And it’s time

To come to terms with that.

It’s also time

To realize that

It’s okay.

Because even though

One chapter has closed its page

Another one has opened.

And it wasn’t even necessarily

The “wrong” door

It was just a “different” door

Just like my different feelings

That confused me.

Things that can be

Accepted

As long as I learn

To accept myself

For all that I am.

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