The Door


United States
34° 7' 10.1136" N, 117° 50' 55.4136" W
United States
34° 7' 10.1136" N, 117° 50' 55.4136" W


I've memorized the door
Every curve of an indent
Every carving of the wood
I know where you'll get a splinter if you slide your finger across it
I know the creak of the hinges
I know how that dust collects on its pane 
How it needs to be wiped down every other week
I know the key lies in a drawer
Underneath a pile of socks
In a sealed envelope
Folded twice in half
I haven't walked through that door in over a year
But I can still hear the whispers from underneath it
Why are there still whispers?
Forgive me if I start to stare 
When I see shadows of feet pitter pattering on the other side
I used to love being next door
I used to love the way I felt when I was on the opposite side of this door
If the door was jammed on my way in, I'd thrust it open
I didn't know that the door wasn't stuck
I didn't know that you were pushing on the other side
I thought I was welcomed in
That room's sparkling windows must have blinded my mind
I must have been swept away by the charming art on the walls
I must have envisioned that the mat said welcome and that it wasn't just a place to wipe my feet as to not soil the immaculate room
To scrape away at me
I really thought it was just a welcome mat
How did I not notice it's rough surface?
It's sharp fabric?
It wasn't a smooth carpet it was a floorboard with jagged nails towering up
Those windows weren't sparkling because they were amused with me
They were just scrubbed clean every time I was gone
In fear that a part of me would stay behind
The room didn't open its arms to my presence, it just opened the door to let in some fresh air and in I walked
Drinking from the mug of delicious hot cocoa from the dining room table
The mug that clearly wasn't meant for me
And I'm glad I left the room
I'm glad I walked into the room next door by mistake
I don't love you
I couldn't
I can't even like you
But sometimes I wonder 
I can't stand to be in the same room
But I'm drawn closer
I walk away 
But the distance is fading
Every once and while
I'll catch a glance 
By accident 
Not on purpose
I don't want to
And the doors that I shut start to tremble 
Weakness slides through the key hole
There aren't enough locks to keep it in
Unresolved angst
Words unspoken 
Can't turn back 
The door slams open
I push the door closed 
I'm happy now
I'm happy now
I'm happy now
And I am
I was unhappy then
My desire to change the past
Clouds my present 
It's hard to ignore 
It's hard to avoid
It's everywhere
Creeping from underneath the door 
I'm in a different room
A nice room
A wonderful room
A room I would be thrilled to never leave
A room where I feel comfortable
A room where I'm at peace
A room where I feel safe
A room where I feel loved 
A room where I can be my self 
A room where there is no judgement
A room where I can speak freely
A room where I'm wanted
I don't want to go back to the place I was before
But it creeps under the door
It drifts in
It breaks in 
It crashes through 
I don't want you 
Not anymore 
Please stay on the other side of this door 
Next door is perfect
But what is beautiful furniture that can't be sat on
For fear it might loose it's luster 
Let me enjoy my room 
With it's pretty walls
It's my favorite room 
I hope that someone wonderful drinks from that mug next
I hope the cocoa is made with milk and not water
And I hope that the milk in the cocoa isn't spoiled 
And I hope that there are little marshmallows in it
I hope that its made with real chocolate and not a powdered package
And I hope that whoever drinks from it appreciates its flavor
Because I'm happier in this new room
Where the cocoa is made fresh when I arrive
And the chairs have little dents where I've sat before
And best of all I don't need the mat at his door to say welcome 
I can see it in his smile
And I can feel it as he holds me close in his arms 
Like I could never be in yours


Additional Resources

Get AI Feedback on your poem

Interested in feedback on your poem? Try our AI Feedback tool.


If You Need Support

If you ever need help or support, we trust for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741