don't say "i love you", not like this

If you’re so fucking sorry stop saying ‘I’m sorry but…’ 

Stop giving me all these bullshit apologies and change your fucking behavior. 

Stop making me feel like shit because you can’t be tolerant of dad’s family. 

Stop trashing people I’m supposed to love and stop being angry for no reason. 

Stop getting mad and right after saying 

“You can’t understand how much I love you” 

I know

I know I can’t understand how much you love me until I have kids

But you always telling me you love me right after you get angry messes with me

Every time someone says 'I love you’ to me I’ll think of these moments

Every time I’m with my extended family I’ll think of how angry it would make you

Every time I come home I won’t be able to share precious moments with you

Just because I know it’ll make you angry

God forbid I have a relationship with my aunts, uncles, and cousins

Maybe I just want my family not to be perfectly pleasant then snap in an instant

Maybe I’m tired of dealing with you pretending to be happy

Then bitching to me

I’m tired of your backwards remarks

And you covering the ignorance and hate up with 'it’s a generational thing’

I’m so fucking tired of having to have this pit in my stomach

Where our relationship should be

I don’t want to take it out but maybe not having it would be better than it dying

I can’t take it any longer and yes

A part of my decision to go to school 3,000 miles away from home

Was it meant I was 3,000 miles away from you

It meant I was 3,000 miles away from the yelling and the hypocrisy

It meant I was 3,000 miles away from my friends and my comfort

But it meant I was 3,000 miles away from you

And I can’t wait for the freedom to start

People say you don’t appreciate your mom until you’re a mom

That you can’t

But there will always be a part of me that hates you for the person I’ve become

It’s not your fault
But it sure fucking feels like it is

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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