Diary of a survivor

On a bright Saturday morning

My world darkened

I shattered into a million pieces

Being whole again seems impossible

That phone call

Took my legs from under me

I collapsed on the cold tile floor

My breath caught in my chest

 I left my body

I couldn't deal

The hollowness of mourning

Had me hugging my knees 

I couldn't hear myself scream in agony

I felt numb

I started rocking back and forth

While I drowned in dark waters    

I stared blankly at the wall

I was in shock

I felt protective arms around me

And the floodgates opened


That May Day,

The worst day of my life,

Taught me the true meaning of loss

Its flames licked at my soul and left it in ashes

My only consolation is that

He left knowing

He left surrounded

He left loved

On that awful day

I made a promise

to soar through the pain:

Proud, is what I will make him 


Broke me down,

Rebuilt me,

Made me stronger

I know no greater motivation

Than ensuring his immortality

All that I am today

I owe to him.



I've known so much of it

I've seen so much of it

But I wouldn't trade any of it

It's a part of me now

It keeps me going

It gives me perspective

It changes my worldview

Where would I be without it?

Who would I be without it?

I don’t go looking for it

It seems to find me

I try to avoid it

What a mistake!


Pain is my fuel

But, it does not show me the road

I have big shoes to fill

I’m scared

With people counting on me

Being a disappointment is

A luxury I do not have

This is what makes me tick

This is what keeps me on my toes

This is what keeps me up at night

This is what makes me cry in my pillow

I’ve thought about giving up

I’ve thought about ending it all

But I’ve realized that

Not trying at all is worse than failing

Raising my white flag is not an option

The ride will be rough

The companions will be few

The hope will be high

And the destination will be worthwhile


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741