it’s weird to see the word staring back at me

depression

it brings back memories

when i was crying for air

so scared

terrified that someone would hear me 

and care

but i wanted them to care

 

when i think of looking for help 

i'm terrified

they will think i'm a monster

their eyes will try to figure me out 

like if i'm not who they knew

but am i not still your friend

or your daughter

but no one really knows me 

 

i hope that when i actually get help

the worries will disappear

 

but

they probably won't 

the voices will probably get louder

i'll go to the bathroom

and see blood

 

but it will feel good 

its like this need

even though it doesn't hurt much

it helps 

 

it's not exactly to release what i feel

its to prevent the tears

because if they start rolling 

i don't think

i will be able to stop them

 

not this time