Dear Past Demons….

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The woman who catches a man's eye earns a purse, the woman that captures his heart earns his world... But I don’t know what I have earned except several broken hearts. Do that make me pointless? Maybe more so worthless. ​I’m confused on how someone can do all these perfect human things and constantly tell you they want you and love you but then wake up with different emotions, betray their promises and ignore your existence. Why have I gone through this so many times? Why be with me if you don’t want that? ​I’m just tired of this long wavelength of pain because I’m always getting played, cheated on, or lied too. I’m not good enough and nobody gives a fuck about me. They just get what they want and bounce. So now ​I'm single because I love to hard and that's not what they want. I'm single because I was born in this generation with idiots.  I'm single because I'm trying to reach the top and you’re not trying to climb with me. I'm single because the ones I thought who loved me used me. I'm single because nobody wants me for me they want me to be something that's not my character. I'm single because I don't wake up with different feelings everyday... if I'm down for you I'm down for there's no in between. Or maybe, I’m single because I’m too mature for my age. Maybe, I expect too much for my age. Maybe because I never had a father’s love to know the signs, to know what a man looks, or to know how to act.

     ​I just want to feel like I matter and that I am loved by the person I’m giving my all too. ​ I have trust issues because I’ve done shed so many tears. I hate liars. I hate cheaters. I hate fake ass people. And it’s crazy to me this is all I’ve done dated. To give your heart to someone who don’t give theirs back, classic smack in the face. I’ve been hurt a lot and even though I stayed the pain was never worth it. I tried and tried and kept trying to be relevant to in someone’s life. I recently cried but I’ve done that before and still didn’t gain myself back. I’ve been trying to stay true to myself but instead all I have done is break down. I no longer feel happiness and still haven’t find something that calms my aching heart. A broken heat must mend on its own. In life everything in glitter isn’t gold. I constantly love you, and this is what I get, trouble, low self-esteem, and heartache.

     Taking my love for granted like it’s a video game. I told myself, I will not be a fool anymore. Naw, naw, naw, not I, but it was him who shot my wall down again. Now I’m sitting here wondering why! WHY? Why do I fall for the same shit? Why do I keep loving someone who thinks belittling me is okay? Why do I over extend myself? Why am I the victim and villain of my own heart? Why do I care? Why do I keep chances? Why haven’t I given up? Why is it that the ones you love the most are the ones who hurt you the most? These bits and pieces shall unfold one day but I have a feeling that one day will be too late. Take away love and our world is a tomb. Love is the most powerful thing and still is the most unknown thing in the world. “Give, and it will be given to you” but what have I be given when I’ve done given everything?

     I’ve been closing my eyes to catch my breath. I recognize the demons you passed onto me. Everyone think I’m in think I am in a neutral state of mind, but I’ve gone red. Nobody feels the pain. I feel alone like it’s only me and this pain. I want to live without anger and hurt in my eyes. Even though being alone hurts, people will not bring me down because I can’ get any lower than I have felt. I can do bad all by myself.

I’m just tired. Tired of relations, love, my surroundings, life, people I thought I knew, and people I cannot trust.