Dear Mom,

 

 

Hi.

 

 

Wow.

This is Hard.

Harder than I thought

 

So much harder

 

                                                                All day,

                                                                                  Every day,

My mind races.

Unfiltered

Unthwarted

I can’t make it stop.

 

As hard as I try

 

Make it stop.

 

                                                                Each night,

                                                                                           All night,

I lay awake.

Tormented

Imprisoned

By my own thoughts

Always

Always

About you                           Mom.

                                                                Like in a dream

You flash before me.

 

                                                                                 But it can’t be a dream

                                                                                                                My eyes are open

                                                                                But it can’t be reality

                                                                                                                For you are gone.

 

                                                                                Gone.

        Ouch.

                                                Dad misses you.

                                                                       He’s really trying to stay strong

                                                              

 

 

 

  But I see it

                                                                                                The way he sighs

                                                                                                The way he shuffles about

                                                It’s like he needs you

                                                               -Needed                               you

                                                                                                To lift his heavy feet.

                                                               

I don’t see it,

                                                                                But,

                                                I hear it.

                                                I hear it all the time.

                                                                The way he cries

                                                                                                It’s a powerful,

Angry,

Passionate,

Cry.

 

I pretend like I don’t hear.

 

Eyes

                Swollen and red

We barely look at each other anymore.

Talking seems out of the question.

 

 

                                I saw your killer today.

                                                I thought

                                I had thrown them all away.

                                                                Broken them

                                                                Crushed them

                                                                Spat on them

                                                                                And thrown them all away,

                                But I found one last pack-

                                                                A pack of cigarettes-

In the cabinet today.

                               

                                I threw them in the neighbor’s yard.

Sorry.

 

I’m so sorry Mom.

                                                                                Only now

                                                                                                Do I realize

                                                                                                Everything

                                                                Everything                                          I did wrong.

I missed so much.

I Miss so much.

 

 

                                Your laugh

                                Your frizzy hair

                                Your well-worn sweater

                                Your crooked glasses

                                Your hugs

                                                                Your hugs-                          I miss the most.

                                                                Your unconditional love

                                                                                                That too

 

                                                                I miss you Mom.

                                                Today,

                                                                                At your funeral

                                                                Ouch.

                                                                                At your funeral

Everyone said that you’ll always be here.

In my heart

In my memories

 

In my heart

They say I won’t always be this sad.

But what do they know-

What do they know?

 

 

I miss you Mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

So much

I love you.

                                                Sincerely,

                                                Your daughter