Dear Katy
I miss you
Sometimes I want nothing more
than to push back
against the clock
and cut you to the bone
with nothing but my fingers
And you'll bleed
And you'll die
And I’ll soak in what’s left of you
And become myself again.
It's useless to try and kill you now
You don't exist
You only did for a moment
And in this one I sit here
Angry at myself
For longing
For someone who does not exist
For someone I built
For someone I knew indefinitely
But someone I can't find within myself no matter how hard I push back.
We are the same.
I’m just envious of you
Because for a moment there you had it,
We both thought you did,
We both thought it would last
And that I would have it now,
But I don't
And I can't find you
And most days I don't know what to do or where to look.
Moments of clarity tell me that you didn't exist
Any differently than I do now.
We are the same
And I built us both.
Tell me then,
Why I can't rebuild you.
Are you really gone?
I inhabit the only space you ever managed to occupy and yet I am without you.
Because you died.
And I let you.
I thought I was making space for things to come,
But all I want not is for someone to wring me out and drip away
Every bit of grime and tears these past months have accumulated.