Dear Daddy,

 

I am so, so sorry, but I can not give you what you desire.

 

That glimmer of life in your aged, tired eyes whenever you speak to me about a hopeful, and prosperous future, breaks my heart into a million pieces. Your dry, cracked lips form a beautiful smile, as your mouth speaks of a brilliant life for us all. You always look amazingly happy talking about what you imagine I can give you. What you dream. What you expect.

 

Please. Stop.

 

Daddy, your bar is set too high and this will just give you an overwhelming amount of disappointment that you will not be able to bare. Daddy, I am not pessimistic about my future. I am just realistic.

 

Daddy, you gave up your life just for us. You left your mother, your siblings, your aunts and uncles, your home. All for us.

 

I remember the times when you had to work five hours away from home and you would only come on the weekends in order for us to keep our house. I remember when you were away, I would get into fights with my mother and I would always run to my closest. Crying. Hugging a photo of you. Until I fell asleep.

 

In the end, we lost that house. I remember your crushed expression that was a mix between sorrow, and frustration. All your hard labor for nothing. All the time away from us, was just invalid.

 

I remember when your mother was deadly ill. We went to the church and you prayed. This was the first time I saw tears spill from your eyes. I wanted to hug you and tell you that she would be okay, but I could not promise that. Instead, I stayed back, and kept silent as you cried.

 

You wanted so badly to return home to see her, but you knew you couldn’t. You had stay back for us.

 

I remember on my birthday, you were so excited to give me my gift. You rushed to me, and handed the large box, eager for me to see what was inside. When I opened it, there was a smaller box inside. Again, I opened that box and an even smaller box was inside. My family all laughed in amusement, but your laugh was the most joyous. As I got to the last small box, my heart dropped at what it contained. There was a pair of stunning golden earrings. No... No... Was all that crossed my mind. Your smile was absolutely radiant and you urged me to put them on, saying how beautiful they would look on me.

 

Daddy, how much did those cost? How many extra hours did you do in order to pay for those?

 

Daddy, you work so hard to give us a living. To give us a life. How can I ever repay you?

 

You brag about my grades to your co-workers, and other family members, speaking of how smart I am. You speak of how proud you are to have me whenever my report cards arrive. You tell me about the support you are willing to give me for a career. You tell me of how my older brother has failed you, and I am your hope of escaping poverty.

 

I dread those letters that arrive on that small piece of worthless paper. Daddy, a letter on a piece of paper does not determine your intelligence. My big brother is the biggest example I know for that.

 

Even so, I try my best. I try so hard to achieve what you want, what you envision, because you have sacrificed so much for us and I want to pay you back so much.

 

But Daddy, did you know?

 

I cry everyday when I am alone.

 

Daddy, your expectations are too much for me to bare. A doctor, a lawyer, a scientist is what you what me to become. You want me to have a career where I can help people, but Daddy, how can I help those people if I can’t even help myself? Daddy, how can I help those people if I can’t even help you?

 

If I fail you, just as you say my older brother did, will this pain and pressure fall upon my younger brother? I do not want my baby brother to fall upon this straining cycle of constant tears.

 

Daddy, this unintentional pressure you place upon me suffocates me. It makes me fear the sound of a clock ticking. It makes me fear the future. It makes me fear your disappointment. It’s breaking me down, little by little because I know I can never give you what you imagine.

 

But I can never tell you all of this. No matter what, I will always smile for you just as you have done with me. I love your smile so much.

 

Dear Daddy, I am so sorry. I can not give you what you desire.

 

Daddy, what can a little brown Mexican girl with no image of a career do here? I am not pessimistic. Just realistic.

 

With all my love, your only little girl,

Evelyn Olivares