Dear Almost Love

April 28, 2016 at 8:41 PM

                                                                         

March 25, 2014

I met a boy with a smile brighter than the sun,

That was shining through the kitchen windows

Of my aunt’s house

Just like the Arizona sun,

His smile filled me with warmth

His eyes were like the stars that

Started to peek through the summer night sky

Every time I looked up,

There they were

Twinkling with charm and wonder

He held out his hand with a friendly introduction:

“Hello my name is Love. It’s nice to meet you.”

Me: “Hello my name is Vulnerable. It’s nice to meet you too.”

As I try to keep my hand steady,

Hoping you won’t notice the trembling of my hands

And mistake me for an earthquake

I promise I won’t destroy your whole being with my shaky hands

The first time I heard you laugh

Sounded similar to a child’s first visit to Disneyland

A laughter filled with such innocence and beauty and happiness

 

Your mind was the jigsaw puzzle

I had been dying to conquer

But I still don’t understand the

Way your mind works

I probably never will,

Even with my studies of the human brain

I will never understand such priceless artwork

And maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be

Just based on perspective

If I were the one to draw you,

To instruct every aspect of you,

I would paint you like the rarest flower

One with colors of red and pink

To match your name of Love

All your curves and edges

Your flower heart would be full

Of joy and laughter and ice cream

And I,

I would be the one running through your veins

I would be the one you see

Night after night

That is how I would create you,

Love

I promise I won’t destroy your whole being with my shaky hands

 

As the months past,

I saw more and more of you everyday

My world revolved around you

As you crawled your way through my mind

I guess I forgot what monsters look like

You made your way through me,

Tattooing your name within the crevassess of my brain

So I wouldn’t be able to ever forget you

Your eyes that were one my night stars,

Were now the scars on my heart

As you watched my every move,

Making sure I was never out of sight

I always thought you would look at me

Because you thought I was beautiful

You told me everything would be okay

Convincing me that my life was now

Fulfilled by you “forever company”

But company only stays when they want to

 

I fell more and more in love

With a fantasy

You should change

Your name to “Lie”,

Because even lies are considered beautiful

 

Halloween night, 2015

I finally sewed myself together,

Making the stitching extra tight

Just to ask you to dance

I could feel your fingers ripping apart my seams

As I started to unravel and become shaky

You said: “Yes”

And I was filled with surprise because

I mentally prepared myself for: “No”

That night you held me so close,

I swear I could feel your heartbeat

Throughout my whole body

I could feel your warmth without

Having to take your cloths off

That night your voice recorded a playlist

That would forever be on repeat

Songs like:

“Thinking Out Loud” and

“Like I’m Gonna Lose You”

Sang the words about you

You

You

You

You promised to take me out dancing again

Letting me believe that I had
Started to become your world

That I was going to be the one

You thought of day and night

The one that you would play your piano for

And I in return,

Would write you poems

And paint flowers on your body

 

Then you disappeared

Just like that

You had been wiped off the face of the earth

You were nowhere to be found

Oh, but you were still inside of me

You made it impossible to leave my mind

As I tried to scrub myself clean with another

Trying to scribble their name on top of yours

I promised I wouldn’t destroy your whole being with my shaky hands

And yet here we are

April 16, 2016

And you’ve found someone new

Someone you’re starting to break into

I promised to hold you

And care for you and love you

I promised to love you when you were happy

And even when you were sad

I promised to caress your head when the headaches would form

I promised to hold your hand when the anxiety took over

I promised to protect your world

And you let me hold it in the palms of my hand,

As I held it close to my heart

Providing you with warmth and love

Because that’s what you did,

Or maybe that’s what you changed me into

 

I promised I wouldn’t destroy your whole being with my shaky hands

And I let you in because you made your own promise

Your eyes promised to protect me

Your smile promised to keep me happy

Your mind promised that I was the only one

Your hands promised me warmth

Your voice promised me comfort during my worst anxiety episodes

Your heart promised me love

 

You seem to have forgotten those promises

Or maybe you forgot my existence?

 

Here’s to you, Love

You gave me the greatest gift of all

The love for myself

Your absence taught me that I am the Sun

I am the one that provides warmth and love

I am the one who is art

This is my goodbye to the love that could have been

My last poem to the boy who never loved me

Thank you for letting me love you

 

-Yours truly,

Unforgettable

 

-(hms)

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741