Every girl that I have dated has a little bit of you in her.
Bella, she’s smart and driven and was so in love with me that she couldn’t grasp the fact that such a human being as myself existed. She left quite soon due to the fact that she was there and I am here and I’m an asshole and she’s too sexually frustrated and I could never open up because my mind was always consumed with other things. She’ll come back, though. They always do. The entire ride, it was as if she wore blinders each and every day. I was all that she saw and ever wanted to see. She woke up miles away, but right next to me. She planned a future around me, even picked a college for me and, yet none of it was real to me. She was the first person after you that genuinely tried to pursue me and I’m not so sorry to say that it won’t ever be real for me, but always one of the best memories for her. I made her feel good about herself, built her up to be something and someone that she is not and I let her crash and burn every single time. She wanted me and I wanted you and she wanted to be you so badly that the miles between us turned into worlds and she didn’t know who she was anymore. I didn’t give one fuck. Eventually she did come running back because she needed something. It was then that I realized that she was always an independant person, yet always dependant on me. She was waiting for something that wasn’t going to happen and I think that’s the most heart wrenching part out of our entire relationship. She’ll keep on waiting and waiting and waiting on me, regardless of what I say or do. She’ll always be there and I’m not going to care. Emily, Emily, Emily. She’s one of those girls who can never make up her mind. She either knows exactly what she wants or knows nothing at all. It’s crazy, really, because she was so oblivious. She reached out to me and we lived an hour away from each other. Couldn’t be any easier. She was a college kid, had a philosophy of peace and hope and would never argue with me because she was afraid of confrontation and my harsh words. Seuxal attraction was there, but my mind was out. Her eyes drew me in from the minute that I met her. They told stories of heartbreak and wrong words and that’s the complete opposite of what she wanted to happen with me. I eventually did end up breaking her heart and she couldn’t come up with the right words and I didn’t have the guts to look her in those beautiful blue eyes. Emily is one of the loveliest people that I have encountered and I fucking used her. I made her give herself up to me and give me a part of her that she hasn’t shown anyone else in a long, long time. She knew that I was angry with myself and cross with world. I presented myself as if I had seen and done things and lived my life to it’s fullest, but she knew. She always knew that I wasn’t as wise as I portrayed and that I was hopelessly in love with you. She knew that I still believed in us and I’m sorry that when I did believe in us, it was too damn late. I ended up hurting her for no reason other than the sheer fact that I was insecure of my own being. She played along with my little games, though. To be quite honest, I think that she enjoyed the chase just as much as I did. Even then, I did not touch her because I had already raped her of her thoughts. I’m bitter, but it tastes so damn sweet. My next interest came soon after the fall, but that wasn’t the official time that we were introduced. Her name is Rachelle. She’s one of those girls that you just can’t seem to not notice and admire. I fell in love with the idea of her, as plain and simple as that. Undoubtedly, she was the one that made me feel the most out of our time apart. I knew that loving someone like her wasn’t necessarily wrong, but dangerous. Sometimes we went to bed a friends and sometimes we went to bed as lovers and as much as I found it difficult to express my feelings towards her, I completely and utterly adored her. I let Rachelle make me jealous and temperamental. I felt anger more than most and got high to balance out the lows. I think that I craved the storms. I felt like I deserved it. I didn’t deserve something simple and easy because I’m not simple and easy. That’s why I had to learn to expect and accept the fact that people like Rachelle will come and go into my life for a lot of obvious reasons. I romanticize my time with her because we shared the same desires and goals and both wanted to actually live, but I know that it will never work with her. She couldn’t stand the miles between us and I was tired of having someone have to decide to choose me over and over again. I had more of her in my heart than my head, while she had more smoke in her lungs than air. I will never, ever forget her or the time that we shared. She always taught me that you can’t have everything. You can’t have everything that you want, regardless if you think that you deserve it or not. You don’t always get the girl, this I am sure of.
These past eleven months I have denied the existence of a love as great as ours and now I am sure that no love is the same or will ever be the same as the one that we shared, I’m more at peace then I’ve been in quite some time. I’m sure that you think I’m crazy for holding onto you, or what we could have, but I’m not. I’m crazy for you.