Conversations With My Brain in Bed

Wed, 02/18/2015 - 13:37 -- JJAM

When I lay in bed

My brain thinks of everything but


It’s like, dude I want some pancakes right now

But I’m not feeling banana

Or cinnamon streusel so let’s do something new

If I mix a ¼ cup of strawberry syrup

With a ½ cup of strawberry jam

And a ¼ cup of strawberry preserves

Into my pancake mix will that make strawberry pancakes?

Or a hot sugary sweet

Pink, flat and nasty



My brain likes to get all philosophical and stuff

It likes to pretend it’s Pluto or Socrates talking like

Alright, so they tell me the world is round

By that logic, if I keep walking one way

I’ll just come back the other way around, right?

That’s okay, but they tell me to walk forward

With purpose

Because there’s no other way to go

But that will put me right back where I started

In the first place

So I’ll just walk in diagonal

Sure eventually I’ll come back to where I was

But it’ll give me a hecka more time to screw up

Before I get back to where I’m “supposed to be”



My brain gets passionately pissed about the weirdest things

At the most random times like

Hey remember My Very Educated Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizza

Oh excuse me NASA I mean, My Very Educated Mother Just Sent Us Nine

Nine what? The children born later than 2004 will never know

Fuck you NASA

Pluto is a planet

You found, named,  and unnamed

That poor sun of a bitch before it made one

Rotation around the sun

That sucker took off in a race thinking it was racer

Then y’all said SWERVE

Hold on son,

You know you’re just a water boy

By what definition is Pluto not a planet

Oh it’s too small

Bitch, have you even seen Mercury

That thing is like a shriveled up raisin

Put in a pan, and in the over at 475 degrees

For two hours until it's golden burnt

To shrivel up some more

And then put in a food dehydrated once more

Pluto can’t sustain life?

Sweetheart have you seen Jupiter

The thing is a giant ball of gas

Do you know how hard it would be to sustain life

On a ball of gas

If you don't know cupcake yourself homie

Go to Japan and become a professional 

Fart Smeller

No not a smart feller

A literal Fart Smeller


But then again what kind of life are we talking here



Obviously they can only live on earth

They are earthlings

Human beings

Not Mars things

We’d never be able to survive on

Saturn’s rings



And then it likes to embarrass me

Remember that time

Like 3 months ago

When you were singing that song

And that cute guy was like

That’s a catchy song what is that

And you COULD have said

Oh it’s an indie singer I found a couple days ago

But instead you said it was from Backyardigans

And when he didn’t know what you were talking about

You COULD have said it’s an old show from South Africa

You wouldn’t know it

But instead you said

That animated show with the dancing animals

It was during the episode where they went to mars

And Alicia Keys played the Martian

And she taught them the word boinga

And yea You just kept going?

The funny thing is

I can’t help but answer my brain

Every. Single. Time

Yea I remember that, what about it

Nothing. I just like making you cringe.



Right as I’m getting sleepy

Wallowing in self pity

Over the 10 other embarrassing moments my brain loves to remind me

It never fails to remind me one last thing

Alright, alright, alright,

Last time,

All jokes aside,

You remember that time you were watching Brain Games

And they asked you what color the leaf was

And you said Green obviously

But the answer was everything but


They told you that something that appears to be green or yellow or purple

Is actually every color but

It’s just reflecting what it does not want to be

Remember that when you look in a mirror

And see something you don’t like

Sure that is "your reflection"

But it's everything you’re not


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