A steady hand, a  s t e a d ( i e r )  heart,

A deep breath in a deep(er) breath out.

 

In a sea of faces, a sea of unknown

It is  c o n s i s t e n c y  alone that keeps me afloat.

 

Some seek adventure,

Some seek fortune.

 

But all I need is

C o n s t a n c e.

 

The thud of my heart against my ribcage,

Even as it

Races

Races,

Races.

 

The  c o n t r o l  I hold in my tightly clenched fist

The fading lines that trace my

Wrist,

Wrist,

Wrist.

 

The slapping of my feet against the pavement

In an endless pattern of

Eight,

Eight,

Eight.

 

I won’t choke on my apologies,

On all the words I have left unsaid.

 

I will learn to ignore the water collecting in my lungs,

From too long a time spent at sea.

 

(A sea of all of the things expected of me,

Of all of the things I am

And all that I am

Not

Not

Not.)

 

I can teach myself to grin and bear the pain

Of small talk, of sharp words, of memories.

 

Just give me a moment to collect my thoughts,

A chance to gain my composure.

 

Just give me something, anything

C o n s t a n t.

 

Just give me something, anything I can

C o n t r o l.

 

I am a leader

A creator,

An author.

 

A young girl with a fondness for

Playing the role of puppet master.

 

I pull the strings,

I pull the strings.

 

I will put myself in neat little #2 pencil checked boxes,

But don't you dare do it for me.

 

Series of digits and letters

Flash at me from across screens,

But I choose exactly what they do and do not

Mean

Mean

Mean.

 

C o n t r o l  is the choice to define myself,

Above all else,

Above all else.

 

It is more than a want,

More than a need.

 

It is more than a wish,

More than a dream;

 

C o n t r o l  is the air I breathe.

 

So, call me control freak,

Call me uptight.

 

I’ll wear these names

As badges of honor.

 

Make no mistake,

In my book,

They all mean one thing,

And that is:

 

S u r v i v o r.