Confliction

Sunday morning, I wake up on a couch with my male friend. What happened last night? All I remember was taking some shots and then feeling really happy.

This happens every weekend. Whether it be alcohol or smoking, it helps keep me happy. 

I'm not happy that I do it. 

I go to school every day with a big smile on my face, for I am happy to be able to be with other people. 

I don't even understand myself. What's the demon inside of me? I'm perfectly happy - I know that. Why do I feel the need to compensate with unhealthy things?

I happily go to rehearsal every day. I am the lead in a play production. I am in three different choirs, and I am taking dual credit classes with a 4.0 GPA. Life is good. But why am I so unhappy?

A person just meeting me would never have guessed I drink to forget every weekend. I can't even believe it myself. There are two sides of every person. The side that interacts with people and runs their life, and the true side who know one really knows. 

It's probably just a phase, I tell myself that. I'm going to college and majoring in biology, I do not have to worry much about my future because I have a plan. How can one be so happy yet so depressed at the same time?

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