Coming to Acceptance
Dear First Love,
I’d rather be anywhere but here,
Here where I sit,
Here where i wait,
If I could be anywhere
I would not want to be here.
I’d rather be on a plane,
Going where you can’t find me,
Crossing over oceans,
flying higher and higher
Away from this place.
I’d rather be anywhere but here,
I wish there was a way
For me to make it all just disappear,
I want to be anywhere but here.
I’d rather be in space,
Where the stars shimmer around me,
Where I see planets,
red, orange, and blue,
earth so small,
Yet i still don’t feel far enough away from you.
I’d rather be anywhere but here,
Yet here I am,
Trying to figure out
How to make it right again,
Because i’m never good enough for you,
So what’s the point?
I’d rather be driving away,
Getting way out of sight,
Speeding down the road
As if i’m flying,
Getting my ass out of this town,
And leaving the image of you,
As a fading view.
I’d rather be anywhere but here,
But you’re holding me close,
Making it so I don’t have a place to go,
It’s hard for me to sleep,
To breathe,
To eat,
I’d rather be getting away from you.
Silent,
That’s how you wanted me to stay,
As a background piece that didn’t have anything to say,
Someone that was clueless compared to you,
Someone who had emotions that you didn’t feel were enough.
Silent,
That’s how I stayed
Trying not to let the tears slip down my face,
I didn’t want to hear you say
How I was spending another day crying
“For no reason at all”
Silent,
That's all it was when I finally broke down
You were finally silent
You acted as if I was a nagging pain
that you didn't want to deal with anymore
Silent,
Was everyone when I said I couldn’t do it anymore
And by everyone I mean you
You could have cared less about what happened to me
As long as you had your weed
Why would you need me?
Silent,
While I was writing how I felt
Trying to get it all out,
You found it and forced me to quit,
Because the way I felt made you feel bad,
Saying I was just “over exaggerating”
Silent,
There I was trying to be okay
Without trying to make everyone look at me a different way
Trying to seem like I was doing fine
But I was dying on the inside.
Silent,
We used to have fun together,
We’d just mess around
You got angry with me
I fell to the ground
I know you apologized I know I said it was fine,
But the bruises that you left
Took weeks to fade away.
Silent,
They all looked at me
Asked me if I was okay,
And how could I say that it was taking everything in me to stay
So silent is how I stayed
Silent,
That's how I spent my life for far too long
Not wanting to bother anyone
But where did that get me?
digging my own grave.
Silent,
When you admitted it,
Locking your lips,
While you were high
You hit a new low
And wanted me to let it go.
Silent,
You called me ignorant,
Pathetic, ungrateful,
A cheater,
A bitch,
A fake,
A liar.
Silent,
Was how I was every time you yelled at me,
Because I deserved it,
Right?
Silent,
That’s how it was when my mother found all the letters that I wrote
When my father came up to me
Asking what on Earth I was thinking about
My brother
asked why I didn’t ask for help
Because I had to stay silent to protect everyone else.
Silent,
You saw someone who you thought threatened you,
So you do what anyone would naturally do,
You send not one, not two but 46 messages,
Calling me a slut, an attention whore, and a waste of breathe.
Silent,
Were the demons in the bottle
That always seemed to wind up right next to me
That seemed to make it all go away
Silent,
“Are y’all dating?”
I mean no,
Well yes,
I mean
You said it’s complicated
Now I know that means you just loved keeping me on a leash.
Silent,
I was when I would see another girl’s name pop up on your phone
When you wouldn’t let me see what you’d be hiding
How all these rumors started to form
That made me look and feel like the idiot you knew I was.
Silent,
Were the tears that I shed every night
For months because you didn’t feel the need to treat me right
Where I felt like I wasn’t enough for you
So how the hell could I be enough for anyone else.
Silent,
For the last few moments,
I couldn’t take it anymore.
All I could do was scream
Until all that came out was silence.
Silent,
no,
You will never make me silent again.
Sixteen months ago,
Who was I?
I was a dreamer,
Who believed in happy endings.
I met you,
And God knows now,
That you screwed me over.
I don’t want to remember
If there were good times with you
If i could forget
Every moment spent by your side
I’d be the happiest girl alive.
You destroyed who I was,
You wanted in, breaking anything
that stood in your way
But when you had enough,
You made me believe
That no one else would love me the same.
That without you,
people would see me as worthless,
As you constantly made me feel.
You planted that seed in my head,
And watched it grow,
You enjoyed watching me wither
Right before your very eyes.
Did you care when I stopped taking care of myself?
Did you notice?
You saw the weight loss,
You complimented me,
Saying it’s the best i’ve ever looked,
And you never encouraged me to eat.
The scars that I made
On my wrists, thighs, and stomach,
slowly fade away,
But the hurt that you caused me
To feel inside overflowed,
Where I couldn’t stand
being in so much emotional pain
I distracted myself physically.
I wish I could physically hurt you,
In a way that you could feel the pain
That you put me through
I haven’t understood why you still cross my mind
You didn’t deserve my time
You didn’t deserve my innocence,
You don’t deserve my forgiveness
You forced me into a box,
I couldn’t breathe,
You sat on top
To make sure I stayed in “my rightful place”
You are still stuck in my head,
Whether I like it or not
You were the first.
My first boyfriend,
My first love,
My first.
But you are the past,
And this is the present,
And you were wrong.
I am not the person I was,
I’m not the person I thought I would be,
I have a brown eyed boy
Who says he’s in love with me.
I have found reasons to laugh,
reasons to smile,
seeing that the world is more beautiful than I ever thought.
He has shown me how I should have been treated
that being shamed and insulted
is not what love is supposed to be.
I have changed,
I will never be the same,
I hate you,
but still I want to say thank you.
Sixteen months later,
And who am I?
A dreamer,
Who believes there are endings that make us happier.
With dearest regards,
The one you let get away