I'm lost

I'm lost in a sea of colors I can't seem to understand

Red, Blue, Green,

What diffrence does it reall make when I just feel them slowly absorbing the wavelengths that are meant to keep me sane?

Hidden, yet in full view

Everything I see and hear seems to simply go towards swallowing my being with more

More

More color

I can't escape yet I refuse to fight back

Leaving me in a state

A state of Red, where I feel resentment for my father never being around

Red that I can't seem to keep all the wants in my life in line

Red that no matter what I do to try and impress I will never live up to that image that I have set for myself

That image that everything has to be Purple

Regal, delicate, so finely fit together and calm

I yearn for purple but it never seems to fit

Instead I get Yellows, where I can't even be myself and say my words without rehearsing it

Yellow that I say the wrong things or that I put out the wrong image

or Blue

Thinking quite simply that I shouldn't even get out of bed, because what's there to do but hold a pillow close to my chest wishing that someone was there instead

Sometimes they mold and I feel a sickly Green, where every action and reaction becomes a worry that something isn't quite right.

That I'm not quite right.

But most often I feel Pink,

I see Pink in those few around me, because I crave what is impossible to have

I revel in it, wallow in it, I wade through seas of Pink just trying to figure out when it'll be enough to just feel the Pink rushing through my own veins.

I want to be monochromatic

but for now it feels that I must wallow through this rainbow until I either reach my purple, or simply fade to black.