Coffee
As i sit here
listening to her tell me about an annoying experience with her friend,
I try and reflect on the choices that led me to this one moment,
this crucial moment,
that means almost nothing on the surface.
I think about how i could have just let her look at the classroom board and not ask her out on the spot,
or maybe i could have avoided being her partner in television production,
or not talking to her everyday or never feeling her warm hand in mine
while we walked down a hallway from her art show that seemed to end too soon,
i could have just stayed with her a bit longer
i could have let her go instead of having her let me go.
I could have never talked to her again and never have seen her face stare back at mine in embrace,
i could have stayed home that day and not biked in the smouldering heat for five minutes of being with her,
i could have told her how i felt i could have stayed silent,
i should have talked more,
i should have been more confident,
i should have realized what it meant to have her say i love you,
i should have said i loved her every day,
i should have fought more to be with her, i should have been there for her,
i shouldn't have cried when she told me it was over,
i shouldn't have missed her when i sat in a room with a dead relative,
i shouldn't have needed her, i shouldn't have ached every waking moment,
i shouldn't have listened to our song,
our coffee song,
the song i know i felt she wrote even though she had never spoken those words,
i never should have missed her,
and i never should have told her how i felt in a drunk blind attempt at love,
i never should have let her suck me back in,
i never should have let myself go to a different school,
i never should have moved back home closer to her, to be with her one last time,
i never should have stayed in a call, and listened to her steady breath as she feel asleep,
i never should have been there for her, i never should have fallen asleep with her,
i could never ever let myself be what i should have been,
and yet, even though it never should have or could have happened,
it did.
I had the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with in my hands,
in my arms,
and she flew away,
like she had before,
and yet,
once again,
i find myself, back,
back with her,
hearing her voice,
her face pressed against a pillow,
her eyes fall and i wish i could kiss her,
but i can't,
i never could,
but as though a sick trick, something continues to pull me toward her,
and she to me,
it may be separated by a vast distance of time yet in the end we reach the same destination of damned destined dreaded fate,
i hate how much i love her.
I hate how much she loved me,
I hate that I can't say to her, even though she is right in front of me,
that I,
without a single doubt in my mind,
without the slightest misthought,
truly love her.
And still I stay silent, and my thoughts drift,
I think of a time when it was simple, just me and her,
and our coffee song,
that sweet moment of bliss,
that i can never have, but will never forget.
I miss you,
even though i'm with you.