A catastrophe that turned her butterfly

I tend to  remember moments where everything felt infinite. My worries, my struggles, my fears all seem to dissipate and I am left there.A passive soul, sad but big eyes, and pigeon toed feet.I lived three lives in the past year.I was a martyr, then a nihilist, and finally a free woman.My father left last year but ah that happens to millions of Americans right? It’s supposed to be a casual happening no?No.I was 16 when he lost himself.When I found the black and blue bruised on my moms tan skin it made me wonder when he went from kissing her on the forehead to having the audacity to even lay his hands on her.Then again, I changed.A girl went from calling everyone “Love” to staying silent and isolated.Everything I touched seemed to turn to black.I had people during this time. People who I am sure have a special place in heaven for they are my angels.I had to “woman up”. I couldn’t be a kid laying around on their phone anymore. I started to know almost every financial problem our folks had and the dark truth about so many of my family members.I didn’t help too much with the darkness I started leading myself into.The year before the only thing ever smoked around me was the occasional cigarette and from one day to another I saw kids get lost in blue dreams.They blew smoke around me and I enjoyed the company. I didn’t care anymore.All of my fears and nightmares had come true.I had died but I was still walking I just wasn’t feeling.I did a plethora of vices to “feel” but what I was so clueless to is that sadness itself is a feeling.Trying to remove myself from it made me numb and the attempts to “feel” was to find some type of nirvana. A peace of mind. Happiness.What I didn’t know was that I had to open the door for that bastard called sadness for happiness to come in too.At some point speeding down highways in a car listening to obscure songs with a joint in my mouth no longer produced joy in my veins.I was watching the life of a stranger. My subconscious sat in a chair watching it all.I wish I could tell you what it feels like to be your own ghost watching your life past by. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy to be filled with the paranoia that you aren't living your own life.You lose touch, you lose sight and it's like you're falling farther away from the light at the end of a tunnel. What pulls me in? I wish I could tell you.I am an excellent actor. I can play the role of sanity perfectly. I can lead a balanced life. Sometimes.I lost so many moments.All I wanted to do was be a free woman.I wanted to live not just survive for once.So I went on a journey. I took my journal and wrote and wrote. I wrote till all the pages were ran out. They took a life of their own and formed wings for me.I realized I can never control who leaves or who will care for me. I had been a hell of a detriment the same way people were being to me so I quit.I hated God and dismissed his existence entirely and he’s back in my heart. Days will go on and life will be full of all these meaningless pleasures and problems.Some days will be euphoria.All that matters, is that I am a free woman.   

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