A Buried Voice

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It seems to come out of nowhere, that feelings where you suddenly care about your appearance.

One minute you're covered in Sponge Bob band aids with dirty fingernails

and the next moment you're waking up extra early for school just so you have more time to look good.

You stare at your reflection in the mirror, half naked, trying to angle your body in positions that look more desirable. 

You pinch folds of skin that you wish would just dissolve through your fingertips.

This is where her grave digging begins.

A hole is dug into the earth and she sees the hole with tears in her eyes.
Knowing she has no choice, he voice not strong enough to be heard, she climbs into her grave.

You have a fun day with friends and you eat a lot as expected.

You run to the bathroom, wanting to rewind every forkful.

But your gag reflex is too strong and nothing comes up.

You hate throwing up so instead of trying again, you make a silent oath to yourself.

You promise to wake up extra early and workout.

You promise to eat nothing but fruit and water all day.

She lies in the dirt hole, staring up at the grey sky. 
She's buried before anyone could pray or even say goodbye.

You keep your promise and you run everyday for as long as you can, stopping only when you're lungs burn and you're vision blurs.

You peek at your sweaty body in the mirror in hopes of seeing a change.

Climbing into the shower, you scrub extra hard on the places of your body you wish were thinner.

She breathes deeply and slowly as the days pass by.
Roots wind themselves around her withering body and form a cage.

On holidays you binge and appear as a normal, healthy woman but on the inside you wish you could erase every spoonful of calories.

She's not afraid of the dark but she yearns for the light.
She's weak and lonely inside her earthy cage.

You don't think you have a disorder but you know there's something wrong with you.

You can't tell your dad because he won't take you seriously.

You can't tell you're mom because she will overreact.

You can't tell your friends because they'll think you're skrewed up.

She forgets what she looks like.
She forgets what color her hair is and what color her eyes are. 
All she can see is black and she begins to think that maybe she is the color of darkness.

You're unhappy with your secret but you're too headstrong to say anything in fear of being labeled as unhealthy.

You know you have some healthy habits but you do everything for the wrong reason.

You finally notice you've lost a big part of yourself.

It isn't the extra flap of skin on your abdomen or the little jiggle of your thighs.

You've lost a part of yourself on the inside.

You hear her fragile voice calling inside.

You drop to the ground and dig like a mad woman, searching for something you've lost.

She sees a beam of light and she wonders if she's dead and the angels are coming.
More holes appear from above and light spills in.
She grows anxious in her cage and claws at the roots until they finally retract into the darkness.
She looks up to the sky and smiles.

You finish digging and you see her.

She's dirty and she's beautiful and she's you.

 

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