Broken Mind
Today I woke up
Thoughts pass through my head
thinking thoughts I had been thinking of being dead
I am not dead, I am alive
But this does not settle a broken mind
I sit up letting future thoughts beat me down now
My heart beating fast
my blood speeding faster
I can fight my stress
I am not a mess
I am grateful to be here
Or am I
Yes or no
maybe so
getting a clear answer is hard most days
when you're thinking thoughts with a broken mind
I stand up and begin to move
my body aches
I'm tired again
I just woke up
and already feel the sleeplessness kicking in
again
I sigh because what can I do
I can't stop how I feel anymore
my emotions no longer bounce off one another
they collide
dent and fall
leaving scars and bruises of things
that could never happen at all
They might though
this is true
but I'd never think about it
if I didn't have to
I am not in control of me
I would have just stayed in bed if I were me
but you see
I am controlled by the thoughts of people
People who probably judge me anyway
critisims I can't defend
because my wall doesn't exist
I am vunrable
please help me, is what I hear in me
but I say something clear
"I'm happy today!"
But I only hurt myself more by lying
I'm not happy
I lie when I think thoughts with a broken mind
I begin to dread a day
that hasn't begun
because I have let people in to close
they saw my mind broken,
cogs clogged
wires falling into puddles
of leaking dreams
they laughed and brushed me off
they see my broken mind
it is obvious to them
but I tell myself they don't
and I say I don't either
A problem is best ignored
Right?
Wrong?
I say I don't care
but I do.
I'm sad because
those other people
aren't sad too.
I guess that is all you'll find
When you keep thinking thoughts
with a broken mind.