is defined as the state of an isolated system in which
there is no tendency for spontaneous change
a tenuous balance between unimaginable forces.’
do you remember those words? the first lines of the
poem I wrote using the tracery of the scars you etched onto my heart
hairline fractures I didn’t quite notice until they spread into a web of cracks
finally split apart.
I wrote so much those days
between begging for you to answer my calls
message me back
look me in the eye.
wasted on you but hey
at least I did one thing right.
that outpouring of syllables thieved the poison from my veins
drained away the yellow-green infection of hatred and pain that you left behind
left me empty enough to start rebuilding.
when I met you, I was afraid
of spiders, needles, the ever-present threat of a meaningless future,
you made me
not brave but reckless
late night computer screens, the stuttering of your lips against mine
words falling out of my mouth, the rush of not thinking for once in my goddamn life.
I was young stupid desperate for the screaming headlight car crash kind of love
you took the wheel, offered me a ride
I scrambled into the car.
Every mile I drove with you altered me
bit by bit
into something serpentine with rough edges and sharp eyeliner
nihilist and cruel, half of a pair of Borgias
the caress of a stiletto heel and a dagger.
When I finally hit the brakes
remembered the pastel sweater and pencil-behind-ear person I used to be
all sunshine and bubblegum pop at five-thirty a.m.
I hadn’t written in months.
my friends had left me for half-dead
you were all I had left, you were my everything, what else was there
you told me it was because you loved me.
in this new post-you world
I have found friends who anchor me
supporting my dreams
eating ice cream and watching ‘80s movies
making mistakes and fixing them
texting me pictures of their dogs at midnight and forgiving me for what I did to them.
I have found a family who cares for me
playing tag in the backyard
writing me misspelled notes and talking about our futures over lunch
baking cookies while screaming lyrics from musicals and dancing around the kitchen
accepting me for who I truly am and forgetting every mistake I ever made.
I have found myself
a work in progress still working
to accept the forgiveness, stability, acceptance, understanding, trust
Forget waiting around for you
chasing the next high and bleeding out my humanity.
I’m building my own world
one brick and one person at a time.