Born Loud Living Silent

Location

A poem about my life

Can it be free verse

Like each accident

And incident

I don’t even want to consider recalling

Like each time I knew it was true love

Or that it wasn’t

And still tried

Free like my hopes that I don’t want to hold on to

Not anymore

Come on and tell me that I can’t say what I want to

But It’s not important now

Because I wouldn’t say it anyway

Or it’s too important to speak about

And that’s why it won’t come out of my mouth

We have to pretend like it’s fine for him to say these things

Because he is a man

And I am just a girl

“It’s because he likes You”

So I can lose all my rights because of such a simple thing

It’s not “like” or “dislike” I’m trying to debate

It’s my safety

My peace of mind

Come now

I know You too felt it at one point

The disappointment of Your teachers and mother

The look of “She Could Have Been”

Or “Why Does She?”

I do because I am me

I fight because I know I can

I don’t want a man or anyone to decide

Whether I can be happy

How many times have I hidden away my right to be free

How many times have I cried alone to save You from the truth

But the truth is me

I’m me

Is that not good enough?

Should I let some jerk tell me that I have to become his possession

And align myself with that perfect molding I was told to become like

You don’t even realize how much it hurts to look at myself sometimes

And then

All I see

Is someone who not only gave up but fears

I fear fighting and speaking and even pursuing my dreams

What if something bad happens

What if all those loves and looks were just a prologue

To all the junk that’s about to come

Who is this “You” I am even speaking to?

My mother or all those people

I felt like I couldn’t afford to disappoint

With my depression

With my true nature

With the thoughts that make me too scared to continue thinking

Do I have to keep running from the truth

When I’m the only one  who doesn’t really fear it

The truth is if I didn’t have to look You in the eyes and admit all my faults

I’d be perfectly fine

Not even acknowledging them

Because they aren’t faults

My mistakes are not faults

They are blessings

Not from Your God

Or a god

From life

I earned my right to experience all these fears and pains

From the moment I took my first breath

In the end Life is too vast to conjure into a specific genre

A specific category

Or existence

Honestly

With all the words I’ve got to say to You

I’m still surprised

I haven’t said a single one

Out loud

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