Born Loud Living Silent
Location
A poem about my life
Can it be free verse
Like each accident
And incident
I don’t even want to consider recalling
Like each time I knew it was true love
Or that it wasn’t
And still tried
Free like my hopes that I don’t want to hold on to
Not anymore
Come on and tell me that I can’t say what I want to
But It’s not important now
Because I wouldn’t say it anyway
Or it’s too important to speak about
And that’s why it won’t come out of my mouth
We have to pretend like it’s fine for him to say these things
Because he is a man
And I am just a girl
“It’s because he likes You”
So I can lose all my rights because of such a simple thing
It’s not “like” or “dislike” I’m trying to debate
It’s my safety
My peace of mind
Come now
I know You too felt it at one point
The disappointment of Your teachers and mother
The look of “She Could Have Been”
Or “Why Does She?”
I do because I am me
I fight because I know I can
I don’t want a man or anyone to decide
Whether I can be happy
How many times have I hidden away my right to be free
How many times have I cried alone to save You from the truth
But the truth is me
I’m me
Is that not good enough?
Should I let some jerk tell me that I have to become his possession
And align myself with that perfect molding I was told to become like
You don’t even realize how much it hurts to look at myself sometimes
And then
All I see
Is someone who not only gave up but fears
I fear fighting and speaking and even pursuing my dreams
What if something bad happens
What if all those loves and looks were just a prologue
To all the junk that’s about to come
Who is this “You” I am even speaking to?
My mother or all those people
I felt like I couldn’t afford to disappoint
With my depression
With my true nature
With the thoughts that make me too scared to continue thinking
Do I have to keep running from the truth
When I’m the only one who doesn’t really fear it
The truth is if I didn’t have to look You in the eyes and admit all my faults
I’d be perfectly fine
Not even acknowledging them
Because they aren’t faults
My mistakes are not faults
They are blessings
Not from Your God
Or a god
From life
I earned my right to experience all these fears and pains
From the moment I took my first breath
In the end Life is too vast to conjure into a specific genre
A specific category
Or existence
Honestly
With all the words I’ve got to say to You
I’m still surprised
I haven’t said a single one
Out loud