I look back and what do I see?

The carefree teen I don’t get to be.

I reminisce what last year has done for me:

Took away my dad somewhere I will never see

Until it is the world’s will for my turn.

The anger at fate begins to burn.

How cruel is this road to throw a jewel

Into a “fancy”, “exquisite”, pointless bowl of ash?

Receiving a call from your weeping mother with news no one to blame

The feeling of helplessness and fury drove me insane,

I was too far away to witness those fading moments,

I blame myself for not nursing him when I knew the conditions.

What about the promise of dying in the arms of your son?

What about all these years that made me believe that you were immortal?

Someone who had given me comfort ever since birth,

I was too late to hug him once before he left this Earth.

The shock at the time is as clear as glass,

But the days following seem to pass

With barely any memory in my head.

I guess I was as good as dead.

I remember standing by my mom and seeing

Friends and relatives who shared a common grief

Of losing an invaluable gem that split the light of cynical belief.

A heavy weight pulled down my heart and ached with pain,

So I decided to simply forget, gently wrapping my soul in chain.

A few months pass from constant marching, with a sigh I sit at last

Only to realize that I’m completely lost:

Not my sense of direction, but my sense of thought.

This whole time, I believed my problem was dealt with

Only to see that I had only stepped away from it.

The fear of facing a beloved’s death

Has been blinding me from the courage to move past

And make sure his name will last.

All I have done has been tackling what’s in front

But what my purpose was, I could never confront.

“You’re the man of the house now! Don’t cry! Don’t show them your weakness!”

But how was I supposed to walk straight if I could not even get up from my knees?

All I have been doing is chasing at the idea of “success”

In the name of keeping his legacy in place.

Realizing now, I can’t stand the fact that I had been so oblivious

Rising from bed thinking I had easily coped with the loss.

Only to realize I became a forgetful piece of metal

Who threw a jewel that would’ve given me peace to settle.

This somewhat epiphany had made me lose my balance

From a tightrope that was called my so-called focus and determination.

Now, I refuse to walk without accepting who I am or who I have become!

With sour tears, I accept my defeat.

Fine! You win! I indulge my grief.

I’m a toddler with a height at his waist

Holding his hand and skipping with haste.

His sweet laughter deafens my ear

Lumps in my throat finally push out my tear.

After one good cry from remembering the old man,

There’s finally air for my suffocated lungs

And finally, peace and clarity that I desperately longed.

I look back and what did I see?

A slap in the face, but also a lesson to just be.

I wonder what the next years will do for me:

Full of life and adventure that I must see.