my grandmother is on the phone 

next to my mom who is soothing her with 

reddened lips and 

i’m filled with the kind of jealousy that leaves bite marks on your pride 

with that girl who didn’t even talk to me 

two years ago posting pictures 

of small moments i’m not present for 

and god 

would she sit with me and count the stars 

anymore i can’t even tell 

because she’s getting high with some boy i loved before 

and doing all the things i wish i could do 

and she doesn’t seem bothered by the mantra of 

unbelonged 

unblended

unwanted 

that circles my head whenever i refuse a blunt 

in favor of tomorrow’s biology test 

or the fact that the boy i tried so hard with 

just fell into her open arms 

already prince charming 

when with me he had been 

the goddamn pumpkin

god i could tear her apart 

eat her whole and live in her skin 

get drunk on how easy it all was 

and now my mom has a crease between her brows 

like she is trying to figure me out 

what went wrong to give her this child 

who isn’t really a child anymore 

but somehow just as bad as one 

and my grandma has stopped crying 

and instead is drinking a glass of wine 

that suddenly i want 

just as much as anything else.