For so long I feared great heights.

The long drop down chilled my bones.

The fear of falling caused my muscles to freeze,

and I was as a deer in headlights,

unable to comprehend, to react, to even move.

Stuck somewhere between fight and flight,

with no foe to fight and flight being the very thing I fear.

This fear hindered me as a child.

I could not climb, could not swing, could not look down,

and I was left behind by the children that could.

They told me my fear was fake, I told them they did not understand.

But it was I who did not understand.

 

As I grew, so too did my veiw.

With every inch I stood an inch higher from the ground.

The ground looked further away with every year.

My fears began to wane,

but they did not vanish,

and it was not my doing that the fear started to fade,

it was Father Time giving me advice.

The ground is at your feet, he said.

The height you fear is not real, he said.

The sky is where your head is, he said.

And so, if you fear looking down from the sky, you will be forever afraid, he said.

I did not understand.

 

I was the one often left behind.

The cool kids rode the tall roller coaster.

The cool kids climbed the biggest trees.

The cool kids jumped from the swingset.

I did not jump from the swingset, so I was nobody.

Exclusion is painful, to a child even more so.

I cried, and asked my sweet mama why?

Why can't I jump from the swingset? Is what I asked.

Why am I afraid of heights? Is what sweet mama heard.

And she knew the answer, that there was nothing to fear.

It's all in your head, she said.

Just get over it, she said.

You have to take a leap of faith, she said.

I did not understand.

 

I grew to be taller than my sweet mama.

Father Time's advice was getting louder, more insistent, more persistent.

You are so tall, you look down so far!

Perhaps I ignored him, perhaps I could not hear him.

The friends I had grown with parroted sweet mama's words.

Take a leap of faith, get it over with and see it's not real!

Though I heard them, I did not believe them.

Sweet mama promised to help, the way she knew would help most.

When you turn eighteen, we're going skydiving!

I refused, she smiled.

I did not understand.

 

I turned eighteen.

My proudest acheivement towards besting my fear was climbing a tall tree.

I could climb up and back down.

But I could not jump.

I could never jump.

Not ever.

Sweet mama disagreed.

She said it was time to take my leap. To skydive!

I refused.

She smiled and held up two hundred dollars.

I agreed.

My palms began to sweat as we drove to the jump spot.

I began having second thoughts as we listend to the jump lessons.

I stood in front of the plane, and took a step back.

Sweet mama offered another hundred dollars, and I stepped forward into the plane.

The pilot said I would love the view.

I said I was scared of heights.

He laughed and started the plane.

I did not undertand.

 

Several thousand feet in the air.

I dared not look out the window.

The abyss below me, it was a nightmare made real.

Sweet mama told me to look before I leap.

I did not want to look, nor did I want to leap.

But curiosity was strong, perhaps just a peek.

I peeked, then I stared.

I had never been so high in the sky, it didn't look real.

What am I afraid of? The height?

I left my fear of the height back on the ground.

The door opened, and sweet mama gestured towards open air.

Leap, she said.

My phobia, once so invincible, had been cut in half.

It screamed at me, a crippled predator rather than the demon it once was.

Fight and flight became one.

My foe to fight was the fear of falling, flight itself was my weapon.

Leap, I did.

My thoughts flew through my mind as fast as I fell.

My emotions roared as loudly as the wind in my ears.

My fear vanished.

No, it was forgotten.

No, it was left behind.

What was I afraid of? The fall?

I left my fear of the fall back in the plane.

The Earth was too far below, the fear of heights could not reach me.

Falling too fast from the sky, the fear of falling could not catch up to me.

And in that place,

somewhere between the Earth and the Sky,

there was no fear.

And I finally understood.

 

They all knew.

The kids from my youth, Father Time, sweet mama, my friends, the pilot,

they all knew there was nothing to fear.

They were right.

They all knew I would love the leap.

I did.

I fell, I laughed, I screamed, I sang.

I landed.

Sweet mama asked if I was still scared of heights.

I said I wanted to go again!

Sweet mama understood.