"You seem like you're doing better,"
They say, with hesitation
On halfway-bad days I still feel it,
A screaming coal burning itself
Through the tissues of my lungs
"I'm definitely doing better,"
A comma hanging at the end of the thought
I dreamt that I slit my wrists again
That sheer, absolute need to escape
That clings onto my heart
And in the dead of night when I woke,
I convinced myself back to sleep-
Despite that white hot ember
Nestled in my ribcage
It's the kind of pain that's quiet
For as long as I keep moving
And my headphones keep playing
But here in the silence,
There it is
Gently, desperately, aching
For what?
I keep trying to inspect the wound
Finding what hurts should be simple,
But I search and search
Begging myself to feel
I'm so afraid
The numbness keeps me safe
It's the only shield against you that I have
I'm fighting my own instincts to be here
I'm fighting my body and my mind to keep you at bay
Every moment.
The exhaustion never really goes away,
Even with whatever counts as rest
If I let myself relax,
You bullet your way into my brain
And I'm back there again-
Theres nothing I can do to stop you
Dragging me across that dirty carpet,
Pinning my hands,
Crushing me beneath knees and elbows,
You fucking rape me every day.
I try to take a shower,
But your hands grab my ankles
I try to paint,
But I inhale cigarette smoke and plastic
Someone says the word "basement,"
And my head smacks into concrete
How can they not get it?
How am I supposed to be happy?
How am I supposed to care about anything
But this?
I'm bleeding out
While the world spins on its axis
And there you fucking are, raping me
Over and over again while everyone
Sleeps, and works, and plays
How can they expect me to do anything
But scream
And scream
And scream
Until you stop?


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