Believe in the Impossible
I remember being so broken at age 13.
I felt so out of place and alone, even
Though I wasn't. I tried to fit in with
The "cool kids" and make friends, but
I was always so awkward and I always
Got picked on for being weird and not
Having all of the latest clothes and
Because I wasn't into Justin Bieber.
I never despised a mirror so much
Before. I never felt so distant and
Alone before. I never felt so...
Incomplete. At age 15, still the same
Way. Broken, as usual. I cried for
An hour and a half that night and
Looked up to God. I whispered
On the outside, but I screamed
From the pieces on the inside,
"Will I be broken for the rest of
My life? Is this what my life is?
Will I ever be complete?".
Sobbing silently into my pillow,
I looked to my mom, soundly
Asleep. She tried so hard with
Me. She did her best to understand
Me, even if it was complicated.
She made me laugh when I couldn't
Even smile and she was
My best friend. The night she went
Home was a night I could never
Forget. At first, when I laid down
In the bed my sister and I shared
At my aunt's house, she fell asleep
And I laid there, just feeling done.
Done with trying, done with fighting,
Just seriously fucking done with everything.
Then, sooner than I thought, I was
Complete. I fell in love with life.
It all became so painfully beautiful to me
And I finally, finally accepted myself.
I accepted every bit of who I was.
I didn't see an abnormal
Being in the mirror anymore.
I saw what my mom always told me
I was. A beautiful soul. She always
Told me this, but I never believed her.
For once, I was happy. And I loved
Myself. I lost my hero, but I became
My own. And I thank God with
All I am. I never thought I could
Be happy just because I was alive.
And, shockingly, I am no longer
Afraid of death. I haven't been
Since 2015, the year we lost her.
I'm not afraid to be alone anymore.
Not afraid to be an outsider.
I was different from kids my age,
Anyway. I'm an old soul. And I'm
Just fine with my little group of friends
And a quilt of memories to warm
My heart. I don't need trends or
Anything. All I really need is what
I have. God bless.