Because I loved You

I ignored every red flag. I didn’t heed the voices of those closest to me who saw the way you treated me. Instead, I made excuses for your behavior and inconsistencies. It was plain to see you didn’t feel anything even remotely close to love for me.

“I love you. Is that what you were waiting to hear?”

These painful words still echo in my ears.

Even then I could tell you were mocking me and scorning my affections for you. Every time I tried to get close you shoved me away. Whenever I truly needed you, you ran away. You were always two steps away. No matter how hard I tried, I felt like I wasn’t getting the real you.

Two years of my life, gone in an instant. There were tears, fights, happy times, and great memories in between. Things seemed perfect, at least to me. Because I loved you, and I thought you loved me. We were inseparable, you and me. It was us against the world and I didn’t care.

In your arms, I felt like I could brave any storm. Even you.

One unexpected day, you stopped. I never heard from you. You no longer cared to meet me or call.

Because I loved you, I let myself get lost in you. You told me to stop talking to my friends, and so I did. You asked me to do things I wasn’t ready for, but I kept my mouth shut. I was strong before I met you. I was… free, independent, confident. Now, I am cautious, anxious, afraid to be abandoned again. Because I loved you, you were perfect in my eyes. My knight in shining armor. Despite the arguments and the many times you abandoned me, I thought you were my home. I thought I could depend on you. You were more than a first love. We were best friends. That’s what truly hurts. I didn’t just lose a love, I lost my best friend.

Finally, because I love you…. I agreed to just be friends. No matter how unbearable it is to sit next to you and pretend it was nothing. That I meant nothing to you. You have moved on. I know I should, too.

I swallow the pain. Because I don’t want you to feel as lonely as I did when you left me alone. I know you don’t have friends. You spend all your days alone without anyone to talk to. No one who cares.

Now where is that shy boy I knew so well? The boy who used to tremble and shake just sitting next to me. Or the boy who used to run down the steps just to catch me in his arms with a great, big hug? Where is the boy I loved? Who would without hesitation, wipe my tears on his sweater and envelope me in another embrace to let me know things were going to be just fine. You pretend he never existed. In fact, every semblance of the boy I knew disgusts you, but those moments showed me your best qualities. I learned how compassionate and sweet you could be, and today I am learning how cold and distant you are.

You lied to me, controlled me, manipulated my feelings, and told me I was heartless. You even said I didn’t love you enough. But because I love you, I’m still here.

Today, you talk to me like nothing happened. As if we never touched, never kissed, and never dreamt of forever with one another. You treat me like all those other strangers, but I know you. You like two spoons of sugar in your tea. When you were five, you jumped off a truck thinking you could fly, and instead you broke your nose. I know about Ly and how much you liked her, even though you deny it. You wear socks to bed because your feet get cold. You act irrationally because you are afraid of getting close to people, even me.

You put me down and tell me I meant absolutely nothing to you. That you were just playing with my feelings. That much is true. I love you, and because I do, I’m still here.