I’m waiting for you on a cold night in January

My hands are shaking, fingers turning to frost

You’re late by an hour and a half

But that’s ok, because I love you.

 

You finally pull up

I hop in the black Nissan

You acknowledge me

But you don’t give me the warm hug and smile

I’ve grown accustomed to

I accept it even though I want more

Because I love you.

 

I don’t bring up that one girl whose picture

You put on instagram

The picture where the two of you are smiling at a breakfast table

Because I’ve already brought it up in the past

And you’ve told me over again

That she’s just a friend

Although I don’t believe you

I believe you

Because I love you.

 

We drive and drive

You focus on the road

The darkness envelopes us

We’ve been driving for hours

Still going without a destination

Like the years we’ve known each other

Like the kisses we’ve shared

The places we’ve touched

The futures we’ve spoken of

I stay patient, because I love you.

 

I don’t remember much more of that night

Except your lips on mine

Your hands on me

Your eyes looking at mine

I will remember you say

You love me

And I say it back with a tear in my eye

Because I love you too.

 

Months pass

You’ve ignored me

I haven’t seen you since that cold night in January

I replay in my mind the first time you kissed me

On the Chicago beach on labor day two years ago

I remember the way you would listen to me cry about my father passing away

How you checked up on me after I had a panic attack

How you told me you were proud of me for being on the honor roll

And how you told me I was brave and strong

I still think fondly of those times  

Because I love you.

 

But I feel lost

Hurt

empty

I feel ignored by the man I have loved the most

I feel hurt by the man I have loved the most

I thought I finally knew what it meant to be in love

I thought this is love

You are love

So I give you space

Because I love you.

 

I finally message you after months

I say that I’m taking back that one time I said sorry

I’m not really sorry

I was woman enough to mean what I said

I was woman enough

Because I love me.

 

I tell you I forgive you

I tell you I know I’m not the one in your heart

I ask you if we can be friends

I say this because I love me.

 

You tell me honestly

That you loved my body

And you don’t trust yourself

To not pressure me

To doing things I don’t want to.

I tell you thanks for your honesty

maybe we should go our separate ways again,

I say this because I love me.

 

I cry right after I say this

Not because I was expecting a different response

Not because I was upset at your response

Not because I expect you to change,

I cry because I still love you.

 

I let myself cry

I let myself cry for a little while

Knowing that I have a right to my feelings

I have a right to feel the hurt that I do

Knowing that I have the right to still love you,

I let myself cry because I love me.