Sometimes we don't want to watch a romcom

Sometimes we can't bear to see a happily ever after

Sometimes we need pain and struggle

We want unfinished, untied, and messy.

We want real.

 

We want to see our pain on the screen

because maybe, that means it's not crazy

because maybe it means it's beautiful and desirable,

our pain.

Accepted enough to be portrayed as a dream.

 

That's all movies really are right?

Just dreams and fairytales.

Either trying too hard to be real or not trying enough.

It's never right

it's never true.

 

I don't want to try and get over it

I don't want to force a smile

a laugh

a Don't worry I'm fine.

 

I want to soak in my pain.

Fill the tub with my sorrow 

and step into the warm embrace of my tears

of my heart stretched so wide it's beginning to crack

 

I want to see the edge

To look over it before I jump

only half hoping I have a parachute.

 

I want to plummet into oblivion

to feel the nothingness, 

the empty space surrounding me

 

But most of all, 

I want to feel my depression without feeling like a disappointment.

Without feeling like a failure.

Like a human who doesn't know how to live.

 

I want to be accepted for my pain, by my pain

I want to be loved in spite of it

I want you to see past my tears

 

To see my glittering streaks

To see my rare, glowing smile

To see how my watery eyes shine brighter in the sunlight

Than any dry eyes ever have.