In The Back of the Equipment Trailer

Dear Tyler,

                It does not matter if I keep your guitar in the back of the equipment trailer, I still see it every time I go in there. I still know it is there even when it is hiding in the dark shadows. I have stood on stages in front of tens of thousands of people in sold out stadiums. I have poured out my soul through my voice, my guitar, my bass, and my drums. I have traveled all over the world to perform. I have written song after song after failed song, but do you want to know something? I would give it all up just to spend one more night in one more dive playing some pop-punk cover with you.

                Part of me knows you would be so proud- I am living my, our, dream after all. I also hope you know that I am in good hands; I know you don’t really know Billie, but I promise he looks after me better than anyone. The guys are my best friends. No, they are my family. Sometimes though I guess you could say I get board and travel with some other friends. You never met Patrick, or Josh, or Gerard, or Tyler. I am sure you would all get along wonderfully though. You and Pete could talk about bass. I wish I still could talk about bass with you.

                Sometimes in the middle of the night I sneak out to some underground concerts, because I keep hoping I will find you in the crowd. I want to believe with all of my heart that you are still out there. I know better. I knew that when I left you outside that bar backdoor that you were never going to get up again. I knew that when you handed me your guitar and told me to keep it you were done fighting. I also knew from that moment I was going to miss you for the rest of my life.

                I hardly play your guitar. Maybe it is because I want it to still be in good shape when you come back for it, but I know it is in the back of the equipment trailer. I want you to be proud of me and tonight when I perform we are going to play so loud you will be able to hear it no matter where you are. I am going to keep playing for you, because of you. I am also going to do it for me. It makes me happy and it makes me feel alive and I know that you would want me to love this stage. I love this stage and this music more than I love my self.

                But never more than I loved you.


                                                                                                     Michelle Cameron Alexander, your band memeber for life

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