It is with good reason that I believe 

Our greatest sins are hypocrisy

What it means to go through life as a contradiction to oneself 

Not enough dissonance could be synthesized in my mind to make up for that

What I have been taught through words, life's own silent poetry of thoughts

What I have been taught about faith is that it's found within fluidity

Faith is about human and humility

Humanity. 

 

Without speaking negatively I'd like to say do not go crying to God

Asking him why he is doing this to you

It is life and the pain is just as beautiful as the love if you learn to see that each thing He does

As an act of teaching you a lesson 

Not in the same way your mother would say after breaking your skin from inflicting anger

No, this lesson is different because even though it may hurt it is not done blindly. 

 

My poetry used to be a cry to a God I didn't know I believed in

A whimper to some silent power for me to place blame in 

Because I saw myself as a victim of my own life rather than its muse. 

And if there is anything that this taught me over time it's that my life is not meant to be a punishment 

If that were the case who would I be fighting against? 

Myself. 

It is the power of the mind that means everything and through words,

I have learned to write a poem to God each night 

Thanking God for my life and all that I have been through and seen to get me to where I am

The last line is always Amen 

 

I don't know if my God is a man 

But maybe that is because men have only taught me about neglect and shielding of emotions 

My God is not a woman because the womb is a place beautiful and pure enough on its own 

The Earth is my mother. 

Womanhood is a pretty notion and it feels much more grounded to me than the power 

The energy I feel comes from the outside

The stars and the sky. 

Faith does not conform to binaries and the spirit needs no human label.

 

Faith is about fluidity and there are no harsh edges 

There is no wrong way to go about being a human

You are human whether you like it or not and besides

I find comfortability in the not knowing of things 

What is beyond my control when it comes to my fate

God's plan or whatever it is that this journey may bring me 

All I know is that I am still learning and the lines of my faith have been blurred 

As to when and if I ever started or stopped believing. 

 

My message is this, 

The idea of small sins is bullshit 

My God knows that anger, violence, and neglect come out of hardship 

My God understands that terrible things can happen in someone who has never found or

Even been shown a reason to believe in love

So they have no way of knowing how to be anything but heartless.

This God understands that people have to find faith on their own 

My God has been an underlying confusion for years while I prayed in bathtubs 

To something I didn't have a name for

I asked for mercy and I asked for forgiveness 

But as I have learned 

My God is not to blame for my pain. 

 

Asking "Why me?" became selfish 

If God is with us always how would there be time for anything or anyone else?

I learned that it is useless to place blame on external powers

Those are done unpurposefully on purpose 

I cannot be angry at what is beyond my control,

To play victim to a God who is only there to provide love and support during those trials

Nothing happens without reason,

With every difficulty, there is a lesson to be learned and that is the mindset key to success. 

 

Maybe Earth is just an experiment 

Maybe every word in the bible is true 

But my God comes to me not from the words of a book 

God makes themselves known by my memories, feelings, growth

When I began to pray life found realignment 

I started thanking the Universe for blessing me with the ways that I have learned

What life has taught me far outweighs the abuse, negligence, and triadic layers of my pain

It is undeniable that those things have paved my path and helped me to feel whole again. 

 

Maybe this has been my purpose all along 

Call it what you will, denial, neglect, or logic 

My faith is learned but it was not taught to me by anyone 

But poetry and God itself

It is to this that I must say "thank you" 

To the humans in my life who have pushed or pulled me in the right directions

They are all right directions

I am happy to have found prayer and my own version of God to believe in

Finding forgiveness and being able to cross the task of having faith in love off of my bucket list

Amen.