5 things you need to know before applying to fall in love with me.
I am a 4 year old girl.
who just wants to fly like the tiny paper airplanes made from my skin
I may look like your typical 18 year old who tries hard to be cool and mature
but every time there’s an open space in front of me
I will stretch out my arms
and run as fast as I possibly can and vibrate my lips like the strings on a guitar
almost hoping I can take off and never have look down at my feet while I walk down the sidewalk.
I have the ugliest laugh.
It’s high and loud and obnoxious
and is often mistaken for one of my frequent asthma or panic attacks
but that’s only because the feeling of joy
that comes close to ripping apart my body, taking captive the dark clouds and watching them fall through fingertips like sand
because of you
it always leaves me gasping for air
I fucking love Jesus.
but don’t worry
I’m not some Christian prude who is afraid to say fuck.
I’m washed in the river of living water
because when this world
of abuse and pain and fucking torture couldn’t satisfy me
He picked me up from my suicide bed and dusted me off.
You will sometimes have to let me be dusted off.
I am codependent.
There will be days
when I am destroyed by the black thoughts in my head and you will think it best to leave me alone
when I am crying and screaming and might need your help in figuring out the difference between the razor and washcloth
no matter how many times I bellow out that I can’t bear to look at your face
it’s hard, I know, but that’s what you’re signing up for.
I hate myself.
Sometimes nothing more than panicked breaths will enter my mouth for days
all that will be in my stomach is the dark matter that weighs down the pit
I will spend days in bed
smelling like five week old gym socks
because even standing in a shower seems to take all my love and laughter
It will be hard to smile in front of you
because I will know that every second you are going to be staring at a misplaced curve on my body that always seems to well up like tears every time I want to feel good enough.
You will have to love me enough for the both of us.
Prior experience of loving someone who is too fucked up to realize that the heartbeat in her chest is really a purpose to get up and change the world is required.
and trust me, it’s not an easy job.
thank you for applying.