I wanted to be the first one to apologize
That will make it better. Right?
An apology
“Well, you don’t have to apologize”
But I do
I have lots of things to apologize for
I am sorry for being loud
Well you would look at me down the halls
And do a double take
“But you are not loud”
But I am
I am very loud
It is just that I never know whether or not the things I am screaming are out loud
Or in my thoughts
I have to apologize again for not knowing how to hold a conversation together
“Well, what could you mean by that?’
We could start with horses
Horses are beautiful
They are fast as the wind
I love the wind
But not its sound
The sound reminds me of storms
Storms make me run and hide
How are you?
Don’t worry
I am fine
But I am not
I have to apologize again for my constant mutism
“But you are speaking now”
Yes I can speak
I am speaking now
But sometimes I don’t
When I am sad
Or angry
Tired
Normal
I have to apologize again for when it seems that I am making fun of people
I don’t like to make fun of people
Because people have made fun of me
But sometimes my eyes don’t work right
Or my speech acts like I am back in first grade
Learning to say “ray”
Instead of “way”
Learning to say “level”
Instead of “lell”
And it sounds bad
Or I look bad
Because I am “making fun of people”
I have to apologize again for seeming high most of the time
No, I am not insane
I don’t need to be locked in the looney bin
It is just that sometimes I get too excited
Or I am half asleep
Because I only had three hours of sleep
In the span of five days
But I promise you
I am okay
Or a friend was making a prank and accidently gave me a dozen brownies
Not spiced
Not weed brownies
Just sugar
And I can’t handle too much sugar
I have to apologize again for when it seems like I am summoning the spawn of satan
I’m not doing so
It is just me practicing the alphabet in sign language
I have bad anxiety
And it is how I got through visiting the doctor as a child
I have to apologize again for when I tend to overshare my childhood
You may never know the whole truth
But somehow we will have a conversation that gets to my birth
Or my too many to count siblings
Some of whom I only see one every few months
Some I see every week
I have to apologize again for being up past dawn
I am not trying to
In fact, I can’t intentionally do it
If I try to stay up, I won’t make it past nine
When I don’t, I am up to a time between
Two to five
I am fine
I have to apologize again for how stubborn I can get
Apparently it comes from my
Great, great grandmother
And went down the line
Now my siblings and I
Along with my niece
All suffer from not knowing when to say “ENOUGH”
I have to apologize again for finding my voice
Everyone has one
I just happened to find mine now
I am not as quiet as I once seemed
I am okay
I was not changed
Or brainwashed by aliens
This is me
I have to apologize again for this going as long as it did
I think I have found a place to lay my head
I have taken the time
To make my rhyme
It is time to have this poem finally cease
Hope you all have a good night
“That’s all folks”
Peace!
At least that is what we want
What we need
It is not your fault
it is mine
Can’t you see
that I am trying to fix this
The wrong I did
the problems I caused
no theywere not intentional
no I did not mean to cause them
PLEASE
HEAR ME
CANT YOU HEAR ME
…
…I apologize
It was my fault
Please forgive me.

-EG