And It's
The night is constantly outside
even during the day
and it's dark
and the dark is always inside
the place I try to keep it out of most
and it hurts
And the all too familiar sting of the anguish within the mind of my bleating brain
and it's fucked
And I'm always so goddamn confused because I'm never sure if you know I know you don't feel the same
and it's hell
And I wish I could be there so you didn't feel the need to ingest pills to take the place of something missing
God knows what the hell it is
or isn't
I do not know
And it's lifeless
And I'm not sure if anything that's said is true or false or temporary
permanence in this unsure void that is my overanalytical mind
and it's shit
I know I am repetetive
and I know I am repetetive
and I know I am so goddamn repetetive
and I know
I know
And it's torture
And I do not want to hurt her
ever
and she always says the same
and the only way she feels she will not hurt me
is by keeping herself away
but the only way
I want to be
is closer every day
but if I am to never hurt her
I have promised that I'll stay
And we still are still have always be the friends we promised foremostly
And it's blind
And she thinks so much about the fall
and I do not think about falling at all
And she worries about the damage to come
And I underthink
Accept
for once
what cannot be explained
After so fucking long
of thinking
overplaying
never ever taking in
as true
I have not recently been so sure of almost anything but
you.
And it's damned
my luck
my circumstance
my dictators are on my ass
and meanwhile you still are caught up with the
friend
ex-friend
friend
ex-friend
acquaintance
who has hurt you so
and you told me to never let you get involved with him again
but what could be the harm in staying friends
but then and then he strikes again
and now you won't speak
not as friends
But then you had a bad night and he came into your life again
And it's terrifying
And the lonely nights don't do me justice and I'm constantly on edge
And I'm never sure enough of anything
to act out all the things I'm feeling
truly feeling
and yet when no one else is there it seems we have something we share but then when other folks are there
Is it me
is it her?
Who does not wish
cannot be sure
cannot enact
the something shared
and is it for the better
or should daily be a thing
that is if
felt is anyone
or anything
And it's so damn sad.
And I love her.
And that sounds so goddamn cliche
and she's heard it before
and it all seems so subject to change
due to anything and everything
they're ever told
or have ever seen
and I don't know
and I can't fucking speak
or write everything
I feel at once or over time
it has no reason
and no rhyme
and I know there's no rush and we have so much time
but feelings still fully encompass real life
in the now
and real is scary
real is commited
and commitment is not high school
and high school is everybody
everything
and I don't disagree
and she is her and I want to be happy that she wants to be what she wants to be
because I never want to injure
and she needs so badly to be happy
and that's the only thing I ever want
And it's beautiful
And then there's me this selfish little lovestruck boy who is so damn conflicted
due to feeling what he does and being so damn sure of love
but all the while wanting her to be happier than he ever seemingly will be.
And it's life.
And he talks and talks and talks
in circles circles cirlces
and he can't she can't they can't sleep at night
and everything repeats again
And it's maddening and
he
he
he
he
he
he
he
he
she
she
she
she
she
she
she
So much has been explained yet nothing still makes sense
but it does
but it can't
but it should
but it won't
And it's