Anchorless

 

I thought I knew you better

like the inside of my hand,

I held you close to my heart and made a promise

‘forever’

 

But my tears fell like rocks that slowly sink to the bottom of a river

And in that moment,

It was if an anchor was tied to my heart and thrown overboard

 

You threw me overboard

 

I say “I’m okay.” And that’s the only lie I can tell today.

And maybe not being okay is just supposed to be normal

Maybe I don’t want to be okay

My lies are all cashed in and it’s not even 9 AM

 

Too early for sadness like this

 

Is it still a lie if I believe it with my whole being?

 

Maybe this is karma,

Maybe I deserve it

I only wish I wouldn’t have been so busy stargazing while you drove knives into my spine,

Maybe I ignored the pain, because the loss mattered less than the gain

But every stab sank deeper,

And the deeper the wound, the more lies I cashed in,

And the more lies I cashed in, the longer I stared at the stars

 

The stars told me that today to keep my head down

And maybe that would make it easier to hide the tears that stream down my face

 

Maybe it’s supposed to be this way

Maybe someday this darkness you cover me with will be a gift

 

And how can they expect me to stay afloat when every boat rides by

Sending waves that surge through the water, making it easier to drown

Anchors still weighing me down, they’re chained to her feet

 

And you’d never be able to tell, but I’ve been crying

And these anchors that have been holding me down are familiar

Insecurities, friends, family

 

But I’ve been stuck too long in these crashing waves,

Thrashing side to side,

In a blinded rage, Poseidon separated Pangea,

And today, my tears seem to fuel his frustration

 

Suddenly, I’m no longer drowning,

I’m just learning how to tread water