"Mommy mommy look at me!

Watch me twirl, watch me dance,

Mommy mommy, don't you agree!?!

Maybe I am a ballerina, I have a great chance!!!"

 

"Mommy mommy, I'm so pretty,

I am the warrior princess of Neverland!

Peter Pan and I, flying away from New York City,

Towards the second star on the right, we have adventure at hand!"

 

"Mommy mommy, I am so smart,

Look at my straight A's, aren't you proud?

I hold my brains precious in my heart,

Look at my future, not a single cloud!"

 

Mommy, mommy, her smile was warm,

Her claps were loudest in the crowd, her whistle sharp.

Her and daddy praised my grades, they watched me perform.

Mommy, mommy, you played my heartstrings like a harp.

 

Smiles turned to frowns, pride to disappointment.

I was becoming the opposite of what mommy wanted me to be.

She expected the athlete who had friends and boys around her every waking moment,

What she got was the lonely writer- thespian, more mature than other fruits on the tree.

 

"Mommy mommy, isn't life great?

I'm intelligent, I'm kind, I can sing, I have friends!

But I only have one wish as I getting ready to graduate,

I want a better body, and to be popular, then my life will be at complete amends."

 

Spring turned to fall and I started to change;

I hated my body and I felt alone.

Mommy's image grew dark, she yelled at me more.

"You can't wear that, you look too fat."

"Where are your friends? Do you even have any?"

"You can't eat that, don't you want your stomach to be flat?"

"Ali you need to change, you're alone because you're heavy."

 

Our fighting grew worse, my self esteem grew lower.

She conjured me as weird, alone, stupid, undesirable.

She poisoned me with phrases that made me negatively sober

And in return, immense depression became unbearable.

 

"Maybe you should spell your name differently, it looks Muslim"

"If you want things to change, you need to change"

"A moment on your lips is a lifetime on your hips"

"Maybe you should try different things"

"When are you going to learn?"

"Boys don't like big girls"
"Wake up Ali"

"Wake up"

 

One day I sat with my mom, we actually weren't fighting.

I asked her, "Mom, what am I?"

Mommy shook her head and snickered.

Mommy stood up and went to the basement to smoke another cigarette.

Mommy left me broken.

 

Oh mommy.

Mommy.

What the hell did you do?

 

I am now a high school freshman.

I am an actress.

I am a singer.

I am a writer for the school newspaper.

I am a community service volunteer.

I am the most indecisive and insecure person on the planet.

Am I pretty enough?

Am I talented enough?

Am I smart enough?

Am I confident enough?

Am I outgoing enough?

Am I good enough?

Am I worth enough?

 

Enough.

 

I am a roller coaster car on an uncertain track,

No clear destination yet, but I go through both ups and downs and loop de loops.

I am overweight, but I am still pretty.

Am I?

I am not the smartest in my grade, but I am still intelligent.

Am I?

I am not the best writer, but I am full of ideas and creativity and ambition.

Am I?

I am not popular, but I am still likeable and friendly.

Am I?

I am at times depressed, but I am still able to see the beauty of life to keep myself from ending it.

Do I?

I am quiet, but I'm still a good person.

Am I

 

Enough.

 

One day I sat with my grandma, my nana, my grandmuffin.

Her hair may be thinning but her eyes are bright and filled with wisdom.

Her smile, although crooked, is the most beautiful I have ever seen.

 Her house is always a sanctuary of welcome, a home.

She always made days sweeter and was truly the most empowering person in my life.

We sat together, chatting, laughing, cracking jokes, fangirling.

Then I asked her, with all seriousness, "Grandma, what am I?"

She gave me the most beauteous response, a response I would have never expected.

A response that was an eye opening and out of body experience.

"Wholesome.

Energetic.

Talented.

Beyond smart.

Ali, you are vivacious."

 

Vivacious?

 

Vivacious.

 

I am vivacious.

 

I am a high school senior.

I am involved in a school play.

I am a section leader in the chorus.

I am the editor in chief of the school newspaper.

I am a leader in community service.

I am a member of the National Honors Society.

I am Ali

I am vivacious.

 

Am I?

No

 

I am more than vivacious.

 

I am strong

I am confident

I am looked up to

I am inspired

I am creative

I am intelligent

I am caring

I am kind

I am beautiful

I am successful

I am a leader

I am a writer

I am involved

I am loved

I am artistic

I am divergent

I am human

I am bold

I am passionate

 

I am vivaciously whole.

And I am proud to be what I am.