Alone here in the dark.
by Sandrajohnsonj on June 13, 2021. © Sandra Johnson, All rights reserved
So many times I have sit alone, Here in the dark. With no one to talk to no one to turn to. Not only as am adult but as a child. I've been through so much horrid unspeakable tragedies in my life it's a wonder I'm still alive.
As a child at the age of 5 I was taught that life is horrible. You can't trust anyone. And that the grown-ups in your life hurt you the most. I was taught to take pain not to utter a word. Or I would not live to speak.
I was taught that men are monsters pig's. Who love to hurt woman and children alike. In spite of all the abuse I suffered every day by my baby sister and next door neighbour, and also my dad's best friend. I managed to never tell a sole till I became 16 and was moved away.
From being tied up and molested every day of my life having broom Handel's and knives and everything else taken to me. How was I to know this was not a normal life. I would return home to my sister's when they would get out of school they would both get me ready for bed.
Dad and mom would be working. They had no clue what hell I was going through. Me I was able to hide all the pain shut everything down and keep it all in. Scared to death if I told anyone that I would die and so would my family.
One day I decided enough was enough. I run away and hide in the woods by the banks of the river where some how I felt safe. I was able to cry there and let it all go while talking to God and asking him for the strength to go on.
I look up in to the sky as I watch the birds fly. As I say why do I have to be the one who served.
Why do I have to be strong and take on all this wrong. Then mom and dad find me I tell on the baby sitter and next door neighbour. But not dad's best friend. We move away.
I continue to struggle in and out of school fights after fights I would get in to. Hating my life wishing I was dead. I started going to counseling. And when I needed mom the most she would leave me never to return. She left me with my dad and brothers alone in the trailer. The only girl and dad's best friend still coming over.
Mom could not handle the guilt of what happened to me so she ran. I then go to help my teacher clean house. Never to return home again. I chose to live with Linda and John. here I was safe loved and cared for properly. Linda was the mother I never had. John was the father I never knew.
They helped me overcome most of my past and made me who I am today. I can never be perfect I make my mistakes. I make good and bad discussion. Put myself in harm's way at times just to feel some type of control in my life.
I have as a child hurt myself. So I didn't have to feel what I was feeling. As an adult I was Heald at gun point. By my first ex husband. He pulled the trigger but didn't Know how to take the gun off safety. Thrown around and hit on.
To the point my Dr was asking me if everything was ok at home. Of course I said yes I know first hand how to hide behind my mask. Then my second marriage. I was beatten Heald up by my throat. To the point I almost black out. I some how I managed to find the strength to knock him out and get myself and my children to safety.
Then I chose to turn to a woman. Who I picked up in Texas who would beat me with belts across my back to where the welts busted open and blood would come out. And then put cigarettes out on my face, back and neck. Because she would come home off her meds and strung out on drugs.
She also was drugging me with her medication I found out. When dad became concerned about me being so tired all the time. She told dad and Linda she was self medicating me. Not to worry. I was raped several times while homeless on the streets. where I then would move in with my boyfriend who almost kills me holding a gun to me asking if I was scared to die. Me bagging him to kill me took his power away so he put the gun away.
And turned to beating me. I then get away from him move in with dad get a 4th boyfriend who tried to kill himself so I kick him out. Dad is now drinking most the time and bitching at me and the boys nothing is ever good enough.
He's going to put us out with no where to go. The only good in my life is my new found love and my kids. And just the other day I find out my lover was cheating on me we had a big fight the first one since last year.
Then I turn to drugs to help me not feel not think of anything. I then find out that I have cancer in my bladder. on The 3 of this mo. Had to have surgery to remove this cancer but it's the kind that can return. So I have to go back every 2 to 3 moths for screening.
Well needless to say dad refunded to take me for my first 2 moth screening so I rescheduled then the dr sets it for another 3 moths away. Then he cancels and sets it even further away.
It seams like this world is out to get me no matter what I do.
My love of my life can't make it back home because we have no money to get her home. And the last 3 times I had the money. And sent it to here she chose to pay other bills so she says that's what she did and get our daughter birthday presents. Instead of coming home to me and our other children.
Now wanting to come back home again. Needing the funds once again. I tell her this time if I come up with the money to get her and our kids back home to me and she doesn't return this to will be the last. I will be completely through with her. But I know I can never leave her for my love for her is way to strong.