i feel alone

 

more so than i've ever felt before

yet i’m surrounded by people who care

care about me more than i do

 

but keep looking at them

seeing them happy with other people

 

i think to myself

they might be the only person I turn to

 

so what happens when I turn to them 

and they turn away

 

i’m sentenced 

to a mindless autopilot 

trapped in a headspace

 

my eyes are windows

a view from inside my head 

a greyscale view outside 

of whatever this fucking parasite 

might be forcing me to do 

 

it ruined my life

my friendships 

my relationships

my entire fucking social life

 

my grades plummet 

my parents scream 

my body aches

 

and still I seem unphased 

but only on the outside

 

on the inside i sobb 

i scream and shout

 

they tell me i’m too lifeless

and I think

too numb

 

too fucking numb

 

i try so hard to pry at the bars

but I only hurt myself 

 

i bleed from self destructive tendencies

inflicting pain on myself and others

 

a long chain drags me along with my demon 

the clomp of it’s boots to pavement drive me to insanity

 

i beg

just end me already please

 

i’m like a trophy for it’s collection 

 

it cackles while it yanks on those chains 

pulling me by the hands 

making my wrists bleed 

i’m unsure if it’s even my blood to bleed

 

it would stop if i asked it too 

but i can’t 

i mean i won’t

 

it all feels justified

a prison of my own creation 

inescapable

 maybe I don’t want to escape

 

maybe I feel safe 

maybe in the most unhealthy place