All I Wanted To Be

Skinny is all I wanted to be.                                                                                                                           Lived on 500 calories. Got sick of starvation so the next best thing was bingeing and purging. Having to worry about parents lurking and friends questioning me. Overexercising to look like that model i'll never be. Standing in front of the mirror, a fat person is all i can see.                                                            I pushed my family away. There's nothing my friends could say, to make me love myself just the way, i was. All of this physical, mental, emotional fatigue because,                                                                 Skinny is all I wanted to be.                                                                                                                                     Until I started to believe that there was something greater for me. Greater than being a size 0 and being able to brag to the girl next to me, that I had less than 300 calories to eat. I knew I had a calling to proclaim that girls don't have to be, what society says we have to be.                                                        I say girls shouldn't be frail and weary. I say we should be strong and extraordinary. That we don't see beautiful as skin and bones, but as muscle and being tone. Skinny isn't what I wanted to be.
I'm just trying to be the best me.         

Worthy is all I wanted to be.
What determines self worth?
being popular
having a boyfriend
losing your virginity
Do you think having a ton of "friends" who you have to proove yourself to who push you around makes you worthy?
Do you think a boy, who cheats on you, abuses you, degrades you makes you worth something?
Do you think giving yourself up, exposing yourself, being vulnerable to some guy makes you feel good?
I said yes to all of these,
Worthy is all I wanted to be.
Until i got sick and tired and finding happiness in others. All i had to please was me. Self worth is found by being whoever you want to be, and by surrounding yourself with people who believe. Self worth is found by saving youself for the one person that treats you the way you should be. Self worth is determined by you, and no one else. Nobody can tell you what youre worth. It can't be measured.
Worthy I am and will always be.

Normal is all I wanted to be.
I hated that I was asian living in a white populated town. I hated that I was 5'8 when all the other girls were 5"4. I hated that my parents didnt act like the other parents. I hated how I couldn't fit in with the other girls. I hated how there was nothing I was good at. I hated how i liked to write, and read, and how I found interest in the things uncommen. I hated how i was alien. I hated how I was different. 
Normal is all I wanted to be.
What is normal?
Normal is boring. Normal is unextraordinary. Normal is the girl next to me. I love how I understand things differently than others. How I see the world in a different way. Im more in touch my surroundings and in tune with the people around me. I love that i'm asian, and I feel bad for those who can't experience my culture and food. I love my parents for rasing me to be different. I love that I found my bestfriend who is also different just like me. I love that I excell in being me. I love that even though i'm no poet, i'm trying! I like being different.
I love being me.  


 

 

Comments

bethechange422

I love this! I am also in anorexia recovery! Great work!

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