Alive

“Okay look I don't know why I'm even here”

“Just tell me what you are thinking,” the doctor says. 

“What I’m thinking?”

“Just be honest with me. How do you feel?”

I didn’t know whether I should tell the truth,

Speak my truce or let it be. 

But I looked into his eyes and thought now is my chance, my shot

My stomach was quesy, I knew I was going pale and I felt my heart drop

I took a deep breath look down fidgeting with my fingers and I say

 

“I know what you're thinking. I’m not depressed. I just want to cry sometimes, but I’m not depressed. I just want to die, but i'm not depressed it's just this demon inside, looking at me with his devilish red eyes. I say I’m fine, I know it's a lie, but I’m fine I’m Okay. It will be over soon, I’m fine, the pain just needs time. I’m not depressed, and that's what they believe because there's no such thing, it's just emotional pain, it goes away. 

Yeah…

That's what they all say.

 

I’m not depressed, I just want to cry sometimes, but I’m not depressed. I just want to die but I’m not depressed.  

 

I say I’m fine, I’m fine! Don’t you see! I have even carved it on my wrist to remind me. 

 

I’m not depressed, Yes my heart bleeds and yes I am in pure agony but I’m FINE! I'm okay. 

I know my brain doesn’t work the same way!

 

But I’m perfectly NORMAL! 

 

I don't need a Label to tell me otherwise

I don't need you to shove pills down my throat and tell me to smile

I don't need you to tell me to wear that mask so everyone believes the lie. 

 

I’m not depressed, I just want to cry sometimes, but I’m not depressed. I just want to die but I’m not depressed. 

 

It's just this demon inside with his devilish red eyes. 

His eyes… looking at me

Telling me to grab the knife. Telling me to grab the gun 

load the trigger and 

cock it

Leave a note in my right pant pocket. 

Explain to them why I decided to do it this time

Why I decided to take my life. 

My head is filled with thoughts of suicide and I can’t change the fact that if I ended my life everything would be just fine. 

The pain, the agony… 

I am in misery and no one sees my suffering

 

I’m not depressed, I just want to cry  but I’m not depressed. Yeah I want to die but that doesn’t mean I’m depressed. 

 

I wear the mask because if I don’t then people think there is something wrong with me, but then when they know and they see you smile and they think you're fine, but you don't see the pain I hide within. 

You don’t see the carvings I have left on my skin.

I’m not depressed!

I don’t need a label telling me I’m hurting 

I don’t need a label telling me I’m in pain

I know everyone has their own pain, everyone has their own hell

Why is mine any lesser than yours

So don’t tell me it's just in my head!

Don’t tell me I’m pretending for attention instead.

Why do I have to be fine? 

WHY do you roll your eyes as I CRY

WHY must I take pills when I already know I am dead inside

WHY

I’m NOT DEPRESSED, I’m fine, I know it's a lie, but I’m okay. I’m not depressed

 

Im Human

 

Most of us go through this every day

 

I’m not depressed, I just want to cry, I’m not depressed. I just want to die 

 

My head is  filled with thoughts of suicide

I have realized that I am dead inside

I know I don’t function right

But I don't need you to tell me that I am a mistake, because I already think that way

Don’t give me medication to make me numb

Don’t tell me I have to be happy

Look in my eyes

See my cry and help

Don’t think I can be cured because I can’t 

I can be distracted for awhile

The pain can ease and subside

But I’m still gonna want to die

I’m still just a shell inside

I still want to cry

I’m still going to pretend I’m fine

I’m still going to wear a mask and hide

I’m not depressed

                            But I’m nowhere near alive.

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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