Every time

I come up with a project

I really feel I can put my soul into

and make a difference with

I get scared and turn back

which is why

this time

I'm asking people to back me

so if I fall back

propelled by self doubt

and cowardice

(which are really one in the same)

they can shove me back onto my feet

and say

"Nope-

did those you admire give up 

when things got difficult for them?

well, I suppose the people *you* like aren't the best examples

but you shouldn't be a little baby

you're supposed to be grown by now

take some initiative

have some agency

it may hurt

and you may seem stupid

but just keep writing

and someday

you'll hopefully have something

we all can both be proud of-"

At least that's what I hope they'll say

but it scares me

that those beloveds I'm closest to

might hate me entirely for this

which is the utmost reason

why I'm so reluctant

to bury myself

in the depths of this project

that I believe is right

I have to

go back to pretending

no one

no where

ever

will read what I write

otherwise

I'll be afraid

of the repercussions

because those aren't important

what is important

is ridding myself of this bile

the caulk that's been jamming up my veins

Dear Self remember-

Life may never go on

or recover from the stumble you had

if you aren't entirely willing to write about it

you have to just let go of pretense

if they hate you

then, really,

it proves how much what you said needed to be said

remember:

Frederick Seidel said, 

"Write beautifully what people don’t want to hear."

and Ernest Hemingway said,

"Write hard and clear about what hurts."

I have to do this

I can't put it off forever