Afraid to Lose a Friend

Tue, 03/19/2019 - 22:30 -- CMatvey

Woke up at 7, hope today’s better than yesterday

Walk to work, I’ve always been focused on my pay

Earbuds in, I start walking out the driveway

Try to forget the world like I forget which day it is

Hope my friend’s doing as well as he says he is

No one’s got my back like he does

Just lately, my life’s been in pieces

My workload increases

My self-critical mind never ceases

Negativity running in my head like Adidas

Everyone says just go to school

Are they going to give me the money to go?

So, I’ve been working myself dead

Ensuring my sister and I are fed

So stressed, so angry all I see is red

No one understands what’s going on in my head

Cause a man should leave his thoughts unsaid

But to be honest, I miss my mom

Things got worse when she left, my dad says I’m wrong

He calls her names, and I try to remain strong

But I want to break when he says she’s better off gone

 These thoughts racing all through my shift

I dissociate when I’m pissed

Unintentionally treating everyone like shit

4 o’clock hits

Clock out, walk out without saying a word

I put my earbuds in and forget the world

I walk into what I thought was my empty house

Open my bedroom door to my friend sitting on the couch

My thoughts stop, I’m in shock

He greets me with a grin

He asks, “Hey buddy, how you’ve been?”

I reply, “I’m good, man. Everything alright?”

At his house, nothing’s alright

His mom’s boyfriend starts fistfights

He can’t sleep at night without fright

He needed a place to stay

I told him I got one

He needs a job to get paid

I told him I got him


Days go by, we are doing better than we were before

Work at 8, done at 4

Eating right, exercising more

Talks late night, about one day not being poor

To this day, I still blame myself for what happened next

He left for a night with his ex

When he came back, he said he did meth

I should have been happy he didn’t meet death

I should have been proud of his progress

I should have forgiven his mistake, since no one is immune

But I became consumed by a selfish attitude

I became aloof because I did not understand his drug abuse

I ignored his pleas for help and cries for forgiveness

He called off, lost his job, then went to rehab for his addiction

Once he got back, I was so overwhelmed by the tragedy

Of not being able to help my friend when he needed me

I realized people change and sometimes I need to let go of the memories

So, I asked him to leave, he said okay, and that’s the last thing he said to me

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