The Absence That Grew

The absence that grew

From the moment that door closed,

Stayed with me and grew more and more each day.

I may have been little, but I saw through the lies

And knew I couldn’t listen to anything you had to say.

You always had an excuse, a reason for why you had to leave,

But eventually you ran out of excuses

And decided to run, officially done trying.

I was no longer worth anything to you, not even a lie,

Not worth any time or effort.

That door closed for the final time, and you couldn’t even look me in the eyes,

There was no “I love you” or “I’m sorry”,

But you were never one for official “goodbyes”.

 

The absence that grew

From the moment that door closed,

Started with just this confusion.

Waiting everyday for the door to open and to see your face,

But that door never opened and your face I never saw.

Birthdays came and left, first days of school

And milestones in my childhood that I had to overcome.

You weren’t there for any of it,

And so this confusion and sadness grew.

I may have been young,

But I just couldn’t wrap my mind around why I wasn’t good enough for you.

Night after night I had these nightmares,

Day after day I had first-time experiences that I needed help to get through.

..But where were you?

 

The absence that grew

From the moment that door closed,

The first death I had to experience

And had to overcome.

We were all broken,

So many tears and unanswered questions.

I had many questions and things to wonder,

But one that continued to weigh down was, “where are you?”

You had to have known or heard the news,

And yet still not an appearance, or a call, or even a lame letter from you.

This soul that i had loved, this life that had impacted me so much

Was now just gone and moved on.

Another loss that i had to take,

But this one wasn’t a choice..

Unlike yours.

 

The absence that grew

From the moment that door closed,

The first day of highschool that i had been dreading.

If you had cared at all enough to even check up,

Or even calculate my age,

You would have realized this new stage that I was about to begin.

But still, not a word from you, nor a letter, not even a call.

This time where i had endless abundances of questions

And new insecurities that i would have to face.

All of these new teachers and classes and responsibilities,

This entirely different, new place that i had to find my way in.

There I was with no comfort from you,

No encouraging words or “we’ll get through this together”’s.

I felt more alone than ever

And you couldn’t care less.

 

The absence that grew

From the moment that door closed,

As he made sure I knew that I wasn’t good enough.

I wonder if he saw me like you did.

Boy after boy turning away from me,

Interested for only a little bit then off to the next thing.

Each time they leave,

They leave a void bigger than the one when they first crossed my path.

Every time it happened, I couldn’t help but think of you.

Is there just something wrong with me

That you noticed straight from the beginning?

Did you see my flaws the moment I was born

And know that I was a hopeless case?

 

The absence that grew

From the moment that door closed,

Left my mom to be the one to try to fix what you damaged.

A burden on top of things she didn’t need,

Just another thing to worry about on top of everything else.

I had to convince her constantly I was okay,

That she could focus on her and her happiness.

This was something you never allowed her to do;

Your wants and needs were more valuable than hers.

She started to take care of herself though,

And she met someone new.

After dating for months and being married for two years,

He asked if he could adopt me.

I was unsure of how to feel,

Especially since this meant we would have to contact you.

I said yes though,

Partially hoping you would decide you wanted to be part of my life now.

Of course, that’s not what happened;

You signed me away without a second thought,

Officially closing the door on any possibility of a relationship between us.

I guess now I can move on.

 

The absence that grew

From the moment that door closed,

It’s slowly dissipating and becoming vague to my heart.

I have accepted what is,

And I have accepted what is not.

It is my final year in school and you haven’t contacted once,

And i am about to start yet another new chapter without you.

I used to be bitter and sad when thinking about you,

But this is no longer my view on what you did.

You have shaped me in more ways than you’d know,

Possibly more ways than I  would like to admit.

You allowed me to see life with a deeper meaning than most do,

I take as much happiness as I can get and open myself fully to life.

I have a wonderful mother and an upstanding father,

And my life feels the most complete it has ever felt.

The absence that grew

From the moment that door closed,

Has transformed me into the independent woman I am today.

This absence grew me,

And prepared me for the crucial moments in life.

I grew stronger relationships,

Especially with my mom.

Because of you closing that door and leaving,

I have learned how to not be afraid to open myself up to so much more.

You have an impact on my life daily,

And I wouldn’t change a thing.

For that, I thank you indefinitely.

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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