I used to

Spend every eyelash, every dandelion wish

Hoping for someone to make me feel happy

I used to

Think about you and radiate joy

I used to

Swear that you hung the moon and stars

And your smile was the sun

I used to

Be in love

 

We would

Hold hands until it hurt

We would

Kiss until our lips felt like the bottom of your feet after playing in the pool all day

We would

Probably laugh at how I just described the rawness of our lips

We would

Beam, glow around each other

We were better together

 

We lost something

Not a spark

But our pureness, our simplicity

The love evaporated

We had the world at our fingertips

Until we didn’t

I want that feeling back

Goodbye did not pan out well

We’re supposed to feel better,

We're supposed to feel free

 

But now

I can’t sleep or laugh or eat or even think about you without hurting

Now

I’m scared,

paranoia eats away at me constantly

Now

I’m a nervous freak who annoys her friends by voicing her fears

Now

There’s a hole in my chest that I try to fill with laughter, company and copious wine

Now

I say all of the above but swear that I’m trying to be a better person

Which is total bullshit

And now

I can’t trust myself or boys who smile at me like I mean something

 

• S. W.